Reality Strikes, I Think

Okay, so maybe I've been deluding myself into thinking that "it's no big deal." "I can handle this." "Everything is normal;" normal for our family, anyways. Today made me think that...maybe David's co-workers are right. Maybe I am in denial. When David was at work, I got virtually nothing done. When he came home, at least, I got some knitting done. I feel somewhat lost when he's not here; lost and anxious. (Good grief, I just realized how often I use the semi-colon when writing. Eh, well. Can we say "Attention Deficit Disorder?" ha!) There is an average 5-year survival rate for my type of cancer of 67%, or about 2/3. That means that 1/3 of people with my cancer do Not survive past 5 years. I have to consciously think about that glass...you know the one. It's either half-full or half-empty. For the past 20 years, my glass has always been half-full. Now, I'm not so sure. This is a really big deal, and it's not going to go away over night.

Kirstin called last night and said, "Mom, I just want you to be around to see your grandkids." I told her, "I'm planning on it, but not any time soon, okay?" But am I really planning on it? Am I just tired of always dealing with something bad happening in our family? Logically, I know the last two questions/statements are because I'm worried, and I'm tired even though I rested for several hours today. I have to keep looking forward, even if it's just to silly things like making and wearing some really "interesting" chemo caps. Someone suggested to me that I make a purple and gold hat, and then put the #4 on it (Brett Favre's number/Viking colors). I like that idea. I also like the idea of having several different hats to wear for different reasons. I like the idea of making some sort of wrap that I can pin in place at my right shoulder, and that should help to disguise the disfigurement of a mastectomy. I look forward to seeing my daughter, Kirstin, graduate next Spring. I look forward to many more years of hugs and giggles, trials, and joys with all of my kids. And yes, I do look forward to grandkids...some day. Not any time soon, though...okay, Kirstin?! *smile* Another thing to look forward to? I'm considering getting a tattoo...something like the image in this post. Wouldn't that be a hoot?! Blessings!