Body Image; maybe TMI

I've been pretty ill for the past few days and so haven't posted. Earlier today, however, I was thinking about how most, if not all, of this blog has been devoted to feelings, appointments, test results etc. It does not address one of my worst fears, upon learning that I have breast cancer, and that is: "What will I look like after I have the mastectomies?"

I spent some time on the internet looking up images of women who had mastectomies. I didn't come up with a whole lot, but what I saw was encouraging enough; not too bad looking. Where there had once been breasts, there were neat crescent moon shaped scars. Some were not so pretty, but I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I might look like post-surgery. I don't think I ever thought much about "Oh, without my breasts I'm not going to be "me" anymore!" or "My big boobs were the only thing balancing out my big tummy." It wasn't like that. I'm not sure how to describe it, but...maybe my thinking was more clinical. Removing my breasts was the best way to ensure that I could beat this thing...this cancer. Okay...let's get it done, eh?

Post-surgery...to be honest, I hardly remember a thing that first week. It was longer, yet, before I had the courage to check out my new chest. To begin with, I was all stapled and bandaged up. I felt like I had a tight bandage wrapped all the way around my chest. A couple of weeks later, when I was able to take my first real shower post-op, that's when I actually looked and understood what had happened. I used to have rather...chubbly underarms. My left one still is; they only removed 17 nodes from that one. The right, however, is now quite concave in appearance because they removed 39 nodes there. I also have a slight indentation just below my right collar bone, and next to the sternum, where they removed some nodes from behind my chest wall. My surgeon removed all of the breast tissue from both sides, but there was still some fat left over on my sides and so that...it still sticks out a bit. I'm thinking that maybe that might come in handy during reconstruction, if I do decide to go that route. Plus, when stapling the incisions, the skin flaps didn't line up properly, and so there is a lot of puckering and areas of seemingly random swelling. I guess the scar tissue I had on my breasts from before (bunny scratches and scars) got in the way of properly closing the incisions. Oh well. Each incision starts at my sternum, and ends just at the edge of my underarm. I've been pretty swollen up the last couple of days, due to being ill and in bed for most of the time, I'm sure, but I expect that to all go down soon. Oh yea. I also have a 3" diagonal scar at my left front shoulder through which my port was implanted. My entire surgical area is still numb, as is the bottom side of my left upper arm. My surgeon said feeling may or may not return to these areas. In order to get at the lymph nodes, he had to sever a lot of nerves. Every now and then, I feel twinges and "pings" as the nerves try to heal themselves. It's not terribly comfortable, really, but it's all part of the process.

Body image...no biggie. I think it's actually kind of nice that I no longer have to wear a bra :-) I wear camis, chemises, tank tops...anything that's non-binding. Because of the extensive lymph node removal, I run a 10% chance of ending up with lymphedema, or swelling in my arms and hands caused by my body's inability to move fluids through the lymphatic system. I've heard that lymphedema isn't much fun. So...I cannot wear any clothes that bind, no jewelry; I cannot carry my purse on my right arm, or have my blood pressure taken on that arm. I'm glad that I can still type and knit, though :-) Now I just have to lose some of this tummy to match my new and much more trim chest size *smile. Blessings!

Not a Bad Day at All :-)

My day started at about 5:00 or so, when I got up and made David breakfast, his lunch (the usual PB & J), and a pot of coffee. Okay, so the breakfast was Cream of Wheat, but it made David happy which in turn made me happy. After David left for work, I took my meds and then went online to check my usual places; facebook and my on-line support group. Spent some nice time with the kids...hugs and cuddles with Chelsea and she read me a series of thoughts she'd written down (very creative!). Ben stopped to see me long enough to let me know he was heading for the woods (okay, be safe, have fun, be good). Becca showed me a cartoon she's been working on for quite a while, and then she let me read a story that she started writing last year. It's really a good story and I can't wait to see what happens next. It's a mystery, involving an abandoned house, a locked door at the top of some steps, and a silver key. By 8:30 or so, I was getting tired and so I laid down to rest. That's when the phone rang, and it was my wonderful oldest son calling from Orlando! He was calling to check on how I was doing, feeling etc. He wanted to know if I glowed in the dark. I had to laugh at that, seeing as how David once had me believing that I would glow in the dark following a test I had involving radioactivity. I told Robert, "No, the chemo isn't radioactive, it's just poison." We had a good laugh over that "just poison" and then went on to have a really great visit...15 to 20 minutes, I think :-) It was cut shorter than I would have hoped (dang, my call waiting), but as always, before I hung up I told him that I love him, and he said he loves me too. I'm sitting here smiling. Afterwards, I took a nap for a few hours. I was just so danged tired.

My oldest brother (who, by the way, says that Hair is vastly over-rated hahaha) is up for the weekend, and so we had a family work crew getting the garage and yard winterized. Thank you, Mom, Mike, David, Ben, and Steve! The garage scares me and so I generally stay out of there. It's supposed to be "Ben's Domain" in as far as keeping it clean etc., but...anyways. The Boat and wheeler are in the back yard, the van is parked at the side of the garage where it will stay for the winter, the car is in the driveway and there's even room in the garage now, if we need to move it in there. The fabric part of the screen house is put away, the tents, etc. All that is left to do, is to put away the garden gnomes...I think.

It's very often difficult to accept help, especially when you want so badly to reciprocate in some way but for one reason or another, are unsure or unable to. We thank God daily for the blessings of family, friends, and faith. Today really wasn't a bad day at all. I was tired and feeling a bit fragile...but really...'I will lift mine eyes to the Lord' ^^^Thank You!^^^ Blessings!

Holy Cow!

My hair is already starting to fall out! Not clumps, yet, but when I run my fingers through my hair, I come away with 4 - 8 hairs each time. I knew it was going to happen within a week, or two...but shocked that it's already started a little more than 24 hours after my first treatment. The good thing? It means the drugs are doing their job...killing off the most rapidly growing cells...especially the bad cells. Wow. Blessings!

Happy Friday!

It's Friday, and I've had all but one of my appointments for the week. Good grief...every day this week to one or another! (I'm sitting here laughing about it :-) )

Monday I saw my surgeon in Two Harbors, and that went well. Serumen had decreased by 50% from the previous week. I see him again next Monday and there's every possibility that it will be for the last time. Tuesday I was in Duluth for a MUGA scan (Multiple Gated Acquisition Scan) which measures the strength/health of the left ventricle. Because one of my chemo drugs (Adriamycin) can be toxic to the heart muscle and lead to heart failure, my oncologist wanted to make sure that my heart was strong enough to withstand treatment. I'm not sure what the numbers scale is all about, but I needed to have a score of 50 and ended up with a 67. I guess I passed, eh? :-) That test was no biggie. They withdrew some blood, mixed it with a radioactive medium of some sort, then reinjected that and did the scan. It was similar to the bone scan I'd already had. Wednesday I went to see my PA because of the severe pain I was experiencing in my right shoulder and through my right chest area. I wanted to make sure that whatever was causing the pain would not delay my chemo. It turns out that I have bursitis. Okay, that's manageable. I can, however, only take tylenol for that pain.

Yesterday I had my first chemo. Needless to say, I got very little sleep Wednesday night. I was really scared and so when I dressed for the big day, I dressed with purpose. Basic jeans, a white spaghetti strap tank to make access to my port easier, and then my Grandma Woelfel's red blouse. I figured that way I would have Grandma with me physically, even though I knew she was there in spirit. The last thing I chose was the Prayer Shawl that the local Prayer Shawl ministry had made for me. I wore it on the way to and from my appointment, and even used it as a blanket while I was receiving treatment. It was made with love and prayers...and I feel great comfort when wearing it.

The first thing that happened, is that I had tubing connected to my implanted power port. The external connection looked like a button with a very slender and short needle attached to the bottom middle of it. I barely felt the poke. It was taped down and then I had blood work done (red blood and iron counts are down/very low. Red blood count was 10 and Iron should be between 49 - 150, and mine is 19 so I guess I'm anemic. Oh well. Iron supplements and Cream of Wheat here I come. *smile). After that, David and I met with my Infusion Nurse whose name was Deanna...Dee for short. Gotta love that! Family friends happened to be in the oncology office at the same time that we were, so after a short visit with them, I was taken in to get started with treatment.

The chairs were comfortable...recliners, actually :-) The first thing that happened, was someone took my lunch order. Egg salad, apple sauce, cookies and water. After that, an anti-nausea drug was administered through my port. Next came the Adriamycin, which was a "push." Dee pushed the drug into my port manually, because it needed to go in at a specific rate. The thingy she used looked like a cross between a giant syringe and a turkey baster. After two syringes of that drug were administered, the second chemo drug was hooked up on a pole and to my port. That's when I got tired and took a nap, covered up with my prayer shawl.

Afterwards, I felt pretty good; a little woozy, but not bad. I was expecting to get sick but that hasn't happened yet. I'm not counting any chickens. When we got home, we went to the pharmacy where I had 3 anti-nausea prescriptions waiting. One I take every 6 hours as needed, another is twice a day, and still another is once a day for 2 days. Grsh! It's a lot to remember...for me, at least. The final thing I have to do this week is get my Neulasta shot and that will be at 3:30 today. This shot is going to force my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells (leukocytes) to help fight off infections. Oh yea...I also got a flu shot yesterday. My very first :-) It makes me feel good and less worried about catching the flu. As far as the Neulasta shot goes, I am hoping for the best as far as side effects. I've heard some people have absolutely no trouble, and I've heard that some people experience great pain for a few days. Wait and see. With God's grace, I am hoping for the best. My next chemo is scheduled for October 22. It's a wonderful day, isn't it? Definitely a Happy Friday. Blessings!

Getting Ready

for a busy week. I suspect I'm getting pleurisy, but not sure. Whatever is causing the pain in my right chest (an 8 on a scale of 1 - 10) needs to be taken care of ASAP. I don't want anything to interfere with my treatments this week. I am praying very hard for healing. I'm looking forward to the "doing" as opposed to waiting. I'm looking forward to the "knowing;" knowing how I am going to react and respond to chemo...the side effects etc., and knowing how I am going to react to the Neulasta shots that I will be receiving the day following chemo. I have heard that the staff in the Infusion Center (the actual place where chemo is administered) are amazingly kind and supportive. One of the nurses at the Vet's Home where David works, actually used to work there. We had a really great conversation about what I can expect etc., such as how things will actually be hooked up to my Power Port. The more you know the less you have to fear, right?

We had a family meeting today, to make sure the kids had all of the information they needed, to answer any questions they had, to address their fears, and to hopefully re-establish a sense of order in the family. Kirstin seemed "cool" with everything. Chelsea wanted to know how long I would have to have chemo, Ben needed his boundaries more clearly defined, and Becca needed to know that I'm not planning on dying. That is her big fear at this point. David told her that he's afraid of that, too, and that it was okay for her to be afraid; that it was normal. I assured Becca that everyone I've heard of that has had my type and stage of cancer, has survived for many years afterwards. We also impressed upon them the need to do their chores, and to do them properly; a clean house is a healthy house, and that once I start chemo, I will be especially vulnerable to contagion...that I will get sick a lot easier than I do right now. We also talked about the effect this all has had on David so that the kids realized that All of us are in the same boat, and share many if not all of the same fears, concerns, dreams, and hopes. It's good to get everything out and the kids are all old enough to understand most of what we had to say.

In other, happy, and non-cancer news? Last Friday was our kids' Homecoming. Chelsea attended with her friend, and Kirstin went with Steve. These photos make me happy:

Blessings!

A Blustery Day and Magic

My kids had a book, when they were little, with such a title or at least one similar, and from what I've seen of today, it is indeed a blustery day. Once again, it's windy, wet, and kind of cool. It seems that just as the autumn leaves reach a state of great beauty, the winds kick up and blow all of the changing leaves to the ground. It's sad, in a way, until you realize that there are still more beautiful leaves clinging to the trees, even though you know that these, too, will one day either be blown away with great force, or fall gently to the ground. Interesting how things kind of overlap, give and take, ebb and flow. While the last trees are shedding the last of their autum finery, nature continues to change in other ways. The days get colder, and the first frosts cover the fallen leaves. Okay, they cover everything and if you happen to be running a little bit late for work, you end up being later still because you have to scrape your car's windshield. But still, there's beauty in the frost. We have to be a little more careful when we walk, or drive, or do anything outside, and we probably have to turn our house thermostats up a bit to accomodate the cold; it's just something we do. Before you know it, the first snow arrives...that magical, amazing, first snow. The kind that sends school children running to the windows of their classrooms so they can gaze in awe at the tumbling, blowing, first real sign of winter. And if they're lucky enough, there might be just enough snow on the ground before recess to go out and make snow angels. Even if there's not enough snow on the ground, someone will invariably still try to make a snow angel, or a mud-snow angel. An adult may very well scold such a child for getting so dirty because many adults, unlike children, have forgotten how to believe; how to see the magic in the world around them. I'm generalizing here, but I believe that adults tend to see the dangers and hazards, while children tend to see the fun and the beauty. I think that much like personal opinions and values, the truth lies somewhere in between or is a combination of both. There is magic in the world, but there are also lessons to be learned.

"To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven."

Much like very dear friends of mine, I think I realize, now, that I've had a beautiful and magical life. I've been blessed with amazing family and friends, with faith, and great love. I have definitely learned much along the way. It may sound strange, but in a very real way my cancer is a blessing. Through having it I have received the gifts of kindness, caring, and prayers from people (countless numbers that I don't even know) across the country. Just like my friends believe, I know that this is my season, and that this is my time and for this purpose. God's will be done. Blessings!

October 1, Day's End

There are 28 minutes left of today...October 1, which is my parents' 51st wedding anniversary. It was exactly one year ago today, that my dad was last in the home he shared with my mom for nearly as many years. Today was also the day that I saw my oncologist, a Dr. Baker. I learned a lot from him, including a definitive stage of my cancer: IIIC. Because my cancer is IIIC (5 year survival rate of something like 30%), my chemo treatment is going to be very aggressive and will start next Thursday, October 8. I will go every 2 weeks for chemo for 8 weeks. The day after each treatment, I need to get a shot that will increase white blood cell production by my bone marrow. I am soooo hoping that I will be able to get that shot at our local clinic rather than drive all the way back down to Duluth to get it and then drive home again. Once the initial chemo cycle is complete, "they" will decide whether or not I need to have chemo every 1, 2, or 3 weeks. I can expect to be bald by Halloween, and to be having chemo for the rest of the year and into 2010. I'm so glad I have enough hats that I can wear a different one for every day of the week :-)

Each chemo treatment, after the initial one at least, will take between 3 - 4 hours and will be administered through a port I had surgically implanted just above my left collar bone when I had my double mastectomy. The guitar pick shaped port has a catheter that is threaded into one of the veins leading to my heart in order to provide for the most effective and efficient distribution of the chemo drugs which are AC...not quite sure what they stand for, but I'll find out. Providing chemo through this port will eliminate the need to use an IV every time which is a good thing.

There's the technical stuff. Emotionally and personally...I'm kind of on one of those low parts of the roller coaster. Reality of the seriousness of this disease...my disease has set in. I try really hard to stay positive, especially for the kids, but in my heart of hearts, I sometimes worry that I won't be around to see Becca grow up, to see my girls happily married, to hold my first grandchild. It's kind of hard to push those feelings and thoughts to the back of my mind where they belong. Oddly enough, I was much better at dealing with everything that went along with learning about and dealing with my kids issues...Ben's autism and adhd, Kirstin and Becca's asthma, Kirstin's surgery, Chelsea's anxiety and autoimmune disease. It was a lot easier, I think, (and maybe I'm just seeing the past through rose colored glasses; I don't know) to live those days one at a time, or even one moment at a time that it is to deal with my own disease. I wonder why? Am I being selfish? I don't know and right now, I'm so tired, I really can't put any more effort into thinking about it. Good night, everyone, and Happy October 2...in 13 minutes. Blessings!

Good Morning October

So...maybe it's not really a "good" morning, but it's better than last night...or was that this morning? Once again, I ended up crying my eyes out...feeling guilty that I'm being such a burden to my family, being sick, causing great financial hardship (not just with my medical bills, but with getting behind on other bills). I didn't sleep much, or well. Becca wanted to be woken up at 4:00 and I promised her that I would make sure of that. I didn't fall asleep until after 3:00, and didn't wake up until 6:00. I saw Chelsea long enough to give her hugs, admire her "nerd" outfit, and tell her to have a good day; same with Kirstin and Becca. (It's Homecoming week at school, and today is Nerd Day.) I feel guilty because I know how much stress David is under, and I'm just making it worse. Logically I know there's nothing I can do about it. Logically I know I'm a lot like my mom; type A personality + worry wart. I'm the wife and mom. I'm the one who's supposed to be able to fix things. I'm not the one who's supposed to need fixing. I'm not the one who's supposed to rely on other people. I'm the one other people are supposed to be able to rely on. I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it's okay to need other people, to ask and receive help, to not have to feel that I have to be "strong." I don't know how long I cried for...seemed like hours again. But my dearest husband said some things...he said a lot of things that made me feel better, including assuming partial responsibility for some of the areas in which I feel like I've totally failed. He said that I am the glue that holds our family together (very sweet). He said, again, that we need to "fight this thing;" this rollercoaster ride was just getting started, and it was normal and expected to have bad days as well as good days.

I guess the only thing I am certain of right now, is that today is a new day and we have to take it one hour at a time, or even one second at a time. We'll get through it and move into tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what the oncologist says today. I'll post more later on that. Blessings!

One down, One to go

One down...the radiologist yesterday, and one to go...the oncologist tomorrow. The radiologist appointment was interesting. I learned more about my cancer, for one thing. The cancer had broken through the ducts and had started to spread so it's really good that we caught it when we did. During surgery, almost 40 lymph nodes were removed from the right axial area, 17 from the left axial, and another 9 from behind the chest wall on the right, going up towards my neck. All but one of the right axial and chest wall nodes tested positive. I believe I already mentioned that, but what was "new" news, is that one of the chest wall nodes they removed was up by my neck, and that one had also tested positive. What this means as far as radiation, is that not only are my chest and axial areas going to be treated, they're also going to treat my neck.

Radiation will start a month after my last chemo treatment, and will be 5 days/week for 6.5 weeks. Kind of cool that I will be laying on an air pillow formed to my shape (okay, it only makes sense, eh? That way I won't be rolling around during treatment), and the machine will move around me. Each treatment will last for 15 minutes. So...for 6.5 weeks, I "get to" drive down to Duluth 5 days a week for a 15 minute appointment and then drive back home. Evidently, burning depends on how well a person normally does outside in the sun. I burn fairly easily (not as easily as some, though), so I can expect to have "sunburn" during/after treatment. I will be given different gels and cold packs to use on the burns. In addition, I was told that using a mixture of 50% water and 50% hydrogen peroxide on soft towels will help with burning, and cornstarch in the axial areas will help prevent pain of chafing etc.

One happy thing from yesterday's appointment is that I will be provided with a wig of my choosing at no cost, from the center's wig shop. I have decided to take my girls with when I pick out a wig, and they're the ones who will make the final decision. I just hope they don't decide to give me a purple mullet. Now that would not be a happy thing, eh? Funny, though :-) Blessings!

Ups and Downs and In Betweens

Since my last post there've been some ups and downs and...yea. I actually got out of the house for a while, one day, and it wasn't for a doctor's appointment. Yay! We went out to drop off a load of junk, then went to the grocery store, the Vet's Home so I could see my dad, and then to the pharmacy so I could pick up a new prescription. After that, I sat outside in the screen house and wrote out some thank you notes. (If you haven't received your Thank You note, yet, I apologize. I left the notes in the middle of the table in the screen house, and unfortunately...Gidget ate them so I have to start all over.) Pretty innocuous, all in all...but for me, it was a truly amazing day! I felt almost normal. Part of that was, I think, because I'd gotten 2 drains removed. Yippee! I only felt like half a cyborg, then. I had the last two drains removed this past Monday. One of them was becoming infected, and the stitches were breaking through the skin, so it was one of those "calls" where my surgeon decided to take the last two drains out. By Wednesday, I noticed a lot of swelling and noises that shouldn't have been there. I looked like I still had breasts...except they were coming out of my sides; very odd, and very awkward. I tried sleeping sitting up, hoping that would bring some of the swelling down, but it didn't. I ended up calling my surgeon and went in for an office visit (down to Duluth) today. He was a bit shocked at how much fluid (serumen) had accumulated just in the last 4 days. He did a needle aspiration (trust me, it wasn't bad at all. I'm still so totally numb that I didn't feel a thing) on both sides and removed a total of 410 cc or something like 13 ounces. When it comes to drains and their removal, he said you're basically danged if you do, and danged if you don't. Any time you have drainage tubes in, you run the risk of infection. Taking them out too soon can result in the build up of serumen. I have my regularly scheduled appointment with my surgeon on Monday. Hopefully, the internal drainage (for lack of a better term) will be substantially less than it was today. I'm praying really hard for that to happen. One thing he did tell me, is to not use my arms. Knitting, typing...that sort of thing is fine. But moving my arms around is what causes whatever to release serumen. My body needs to realize that whatever there was before that needed all of that, is no longer there and so...enough, already!

As for the rest...I'm feeling pretty useless. I can't move my arms much, but I can drive (yay!), as long as I don't take any pain pills etc. This is good because I have three appointments next week. The surgeon on Monday, Radiologist on Tuesday, and Oncologist on Thursday. These last two appointments are consultations, only. I won't be able to start any chemo or radiation until there's no more drainage and who knows how long that will be? I'll be driving myself to these appointments, so I'm going to try not to sleep so much the next couple of days.

I think part of the reason that I sleep so much is because I'm (like I said) feeling pretty useless, and because I'm bored. Even knitting doesn't hold or capture my interest like it normally does. So, yes, I have several chemo caps that some wonderful friends made for me, I have one that I've made, two that I've made but still need to be felted, and another that I've made but needs to be finished. Maybe that's what I'll do tomorrow. Who knows? I'm also working on a sort of shawl. It's a shawl pattern, but I'm using really big needles and very fine wool. The idea is that I'll be able to wear it much like a long cowl; hopefully somewhat disguising. I've looked at a lot of post-mastectomy "fashions" (notice how I placed fashions in " " ? There's a reason for that.) One style that I saw had a chest full of horizontal ruffles. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am definitely NOT a ruffly kind of person...unless, perhaps, the ruffles come in camouflage. Blessings!

I Did a "doh doh"

Yep...I drove Chelsea to school this morning. Not only that, but I drove on Monday, too (just uptown to the bank drive through and then home again). Maybe I'm pushing it, maybe not. I think that as long as I don't take a pain pill before hand, I should be okay...even if driving makes my arms and chest hurt, and getting in and out of the car is a chore in itself. mmm Okay...having just typed that, I do believe that driving is not a good idea right now.

This morning, I finished loading the dishwasher and got it started. Yay! The kids, to be honest, have been slacking a bit in their responsibilities ever since I started looking more "normal." Loading the washer wasn't so bad, but we have a really big box of Cascade that is rather awkward to manipulate, and weighs more than I should probably be lifting right now. Okay, I'm really not supposed to be lifting much of anything, per Doctor's orders "no lifting with arm of affected side." Yup...I have two sides involved, which equals two arms...I wonder if I can lift with my toes and feet?

In other news, I was really sick the night before last, and yesterday with a fever of 102. Whatever I had, David caught, too...high fever etc. so he slept pretty much all of yesterday, poor guy. Oh...and I found out something interesting this morning, after I did a little research on the internet. The 2nd type of cancer that was found in my left breast...the tubular carcinoma? It's very rare, accounting for only 2% of all breast cancers, and it's often found in conjunction with another and more common type. The more you learn, the less you have to fear, right? I remember when my mom was dx'd with MS, and I was really, really upset. The first thing I did was to learn everything I could about it etc. Afterwards...I felt better. It's been the same ever since, with every challenge our family has had to face.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said "Fear always springs from ignorance." Blessings!

I'm Fine

According to Mirriam-Webster, one of the definitions of "fine" is "very well" . I'm sure if I looked into the definition further, I would find one that is more "definitive" of how I use it. When people ask me how I'm doing, I usually say, "I'm fine." Generally, that's not the case, of course, but really...who wants to hear a potentially long and drawn out explaination of how I'm really feeling? Someone asked me that today, and I said "I'm fine." Reality, is that in addition to being "diseased" as David calls it, it seems that I also have the flu. I had a temp last night of 102, and was tired, nauseous, and in pain today. I slept most of the day.

How are you doing? I'm fine. But really, I worry about paying bills, how we're going to be able to make ends meet, how my cancer is changing us now and what long-term impact it will have on the family; making sure that the kids have everything they need. I worry about my mom who in addition to worrying about me, also has my dad and everything that entails to deal with. I worry and fret about not being able to get to church, or down to the Vet's Home to see my dad and other residents who love to receive visits from the rabbits that I used to bring down a couple of times a week. But...I've been warned to stay away from crowded places; those places where germs and viruses are most likely to be making their happy rounds, and those places include the school, church, and the Vet's Home. I am so grateful that Fr. Frank has been to my house twice, so far, to give me communion. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that much, at least, to look forward to.

The bottom line? I'm really not fine...but I'm doing as well as I can. Blessings!

Post Surgery Pathology Report

I wasn't 100% certain that basically electing to have the left breast removed was a good idea...until today when I received the post-surgery pathology report. According to my surgeon, the left breast had/was full of invasive ductal carcinoma in situ. In other words, the left breast was also full of cancer; just not as active as that in the right. It would have only been a matter of time before I would have had to have the second mastectomy. In addition, 37 out of 38 biopsied lymph nodes tested positive for cancer, and in another spot, 8 out of 9 tested positive. My cancer has been staged at IIIA or IIIB, both of which are curable.

I definitely over-did things yesterday, getting up at 5:00 a.m. and not going to sleep until after midnight. I was very tired, and very sore today. I ended up taking 4 pain pills, and 4 extra strength tylenol (total of 2000 mg) in order to get any relief. I also took a nap for about 3 hours, and later on dozed on the couch. I did take a bath and wash my hair, and wore real clothes (not jammies) for the first time since I had surgery. My choice of clothing is actually very comforting for a number of reasons. Firstly, the capris I am wearing are a bit large, but were too tight when I bought them four years ago. Second, I chose to wear a cardian inside-out so that I could just slip the drains inside the pockets. They're much more secure that way, they're off to the sides a bit, and I don't feel so misshapen while wearing it. The best thing about the cardigan? It used to belong to my Grandma Woelfel who passed away a few years ago. Way back when, and on this blog, I made a post about this particular sweater, and how whenever I wore it, I would be getting one of my grandma's amazing hugs. I love you, Grandma! Thank you for the hugs :-) Blessings!

I'm Home and Recovering

So, I had surgery on Monday, August 31; one radical mastectomy and 1 simple mastectomy. I don't remember anything about Monday, or Tuesday, really, except that I had to walk a little bit and Fr. Frank stopped by to see me. Wednesday a.m. I asked when I could go home. A few minutes later I was told I could leave that day so I called David and told him to come and pick me up. Since then, I've been mostly resting. David, bless his heart, has been tending to all of my needs...pain pills (the number of pills he gives me is based on how great the pain is), my anti anxiety and anti depressents, and my drains. The drains are a pita; two tubes coming out of each surical site, ending in what appear to be clear blood pressure bulb type thingies. He charts everything, and I'm sure the surgon, when we see him on the 14th will be glad for that. There are things I want to say, but I'm just too tired. I will leave it at that. Blessings!

26 Hours, 24 Minutes

What a gorgeous day! It's sunny and 52 degrees outside. I so love sunny days! I've folded a couple of loads of laundry, and I'm having my second cup of coffee. Life is good! I've decided to make the most of today. I'm going to run up town, shortly, and pick up a few things...make a few meals, or at least plan easy ones, that Chelsea can cook or throw in the crock pot while I'm gone. I will get bills in the mail, and finish cleaning up the house. I have decided that there are some positives in what we're all going through right now. I'm not quite sure what they are, but I know they are there. I just have to figure it out. In a weird way, I'm actually kind of looking forward to seeing how my hair grows back after chemo. I'm half hoping for black and curly, myself. I was born with black hair, so...it's not a total impossibility, eh? :-) I am NOT looking forward to the post-surgery drains etc. Ewwwww! I am also wondering what the results of the CT and bone scans will show. My right shoulder has been really sore, front and back, and all the way down to the elbow, for a long time. I'm thinking that maybe it's because of the lymph node involvement, but not sure.

Okay, I'm back. I bet you didn't even know I was gone. I went up town, and bought beef and pork roasts, chicken, hot dogs, baked beans, veggies, butter etc. Gotta love the crock pot! Today, I'm going to make the beef roast so that tomorrow, any left-overs can be used for BBQ; again, in the crock pot. Wait a minute. Ben's home today, so there probably won't be any left overs *smile.

In other news, I'm still losing weight...30# so far. I'm not sure why that is, but hey...I'll take weight loss in any form. It feels strange that all of my pants, even those with elastic waists, are loose fitting. I'm very glad that my mom is a magician with a sewing machine and serger, and that I might be able to ask her to take a few things in. One of the blessings (the many blessings) of being my mom's daughter.

We're now down to 25 hours and 43 minutes. Pretty wild to think about. I have to be at the hospital at 10:00 tomorrow, surgery is at noon, and then...I guess it will be over, eh? To anyone reading this...have a gorgeous and wonderful day! Life is good...even when it isn't. Blessings!

39 Hours, 24 Minutes

But who's counting?

I played around a little bit in Paint Shop Pro XI earlier today, because I couldn't put words to what I was feeling. Sometimes when that happens, I will get an image in my head. The image I had today was wreckage. I feel like I'm Humpty Dumpty. Heaven knows I'm really good at shutting down and tuning out. In fact, I'm quite the expert. This is one of those times, however, when there's no denying or running from reality. I will be a different person on Monday, physically at least. I think I can compare it to when your hair turns gray...except it's on a larger scale. There's a permanent change (and yes, I realize that gray hair doesn't need to always be gray...I've had semi-regular appointments with Miss Clairol for years *smile), but I've heard that it's one you get used to. It's better than the alternative, right?

Tomorrow, will hopefully be a good day. I plan on getting up early, getting some housework done, and then going to church at the Vet's Home with my parents. After that, I need to get some things around the house settled/arranged. I don't want to leave my family in the lurch while I'm laid up, although I know very well that they're more than capable of handling things. I'm just not as important, in that way, as I sometimes like to think that I am. Blessings!

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Did I Really Say That?

Did I really say to "make mine a double?" Yuck! That was some of the nastiest stuff I've ever had to drink. The only good thing I can say about it, is thanks to the Dasani I had to add to it (okay, so any type of water would have worked) it was cold and I had to drink it fast in order to meet the 2-hours before CT scan deadline. Thankfully, it didn't leave an after taste, or if it did, it was completely masked by the metalic taste that was caused by the radioactive material in the injection I had prior to the bone scan. To be honest, the barium (or whatever it was) was way worse than anything else, today. The young woman who did the CT scan and IV clearly knew what she was doing; I hardly felt a thing. And what's really cool, is that she's engaged to Jamie Otterblad, a family that we've known for over 30 years.

Okay, so something rather different did happen during my tests and that is, my in-laws called the hospital to see how things were going. When my CT scan was done and it was time to run over to another building for my bone scan, David was on the phone at the desk. I appreciate the concern, I really do. But test results are typically not immediately available. I didn't find out the results of my MRI for 2 days and I suspect I won't know the results of the bone and CT scans until just before my surgery if not after.

The tension in the house is now palpable. My girls are on edge and acting out more than usual. Becca's attitude is now an Attitude (note the capital A), Chelsea just told me that she's tired, hungry, and bored. Kirstin is upset that her boyfriend changed plans on her, again, although to be fair to Steve...those things happen. Learning how to handle disappointment is a sure sign of maturity; growing up. She's getting there, but it doesn't happen overnight for anyone. I know that everyone is worried and upset that things are going to be different around here for a while, and the kids are not always able to put their feelings into words so...their feelings come out in actions. I'm feeling pretty out of it and find myself taking things one second at a time...trying to stay focussed one second at a time.

In other news, the hospital called this evening for pre-registration. I have to be at the hospital at 10:00 on Monday, with surgery at noon: radical mastectomy and simple mastectomy. I understand I will be in the hospital for 2 or 3 days, a chemo port will be inserted during surgery, and the drains may very well be removed by the time I leave. This is good! I've already told David that I want no visitors, except for him and our kids. Grsh...no pithy comment to end this post, so... Blessings!

Make Mine a Double

Mastectomy, that is. Instead of having a single mastectomy on Monday, I will be having a bi-lateral, or double mastectomy. Hopefully, the procedure will still take place on Monday. It all depends on the surgeon's schedule.

Dr. Nelson called me today with the results of the MRI I had done on Tuesday. He said there were a couple more spots on the right side, and "numerous and potentially pre-cancerous" spots on the left. However, it would be virtually impossible to biopsy every single spot, and because I'm so young (Dr. Nelson's words, not mine *smile), we made the decision to go with the double mastectomy. That way, there is less chance of the cancer returning, and will make reconstruction a more viable option.

It's late, and I'm tired, so this post is shorter than usual. Tomorrow promises to be another long day. I have to be in Duluth at 10:45 for CT and bone scans. The whole idea of tomorrow's tests makes me feel a little like Alice in Wonderland; " drink this" and "inject that." Heck...as long as I have to drink something, I wonder if they'd make it a double? Blessings!

Speaking of Happy Thoughts

My family is my happiest thought. Not necessarily my parents, or my brothers; not my in-laws, but my family: David, Robert, Ben, Kirstin, Chelsea, Becca (and Alice). Kind of obvious, eh? Alice and Robert, though divorced, are still on good terms, and I still love Alice. She's another daughter, to me.

Today was actually a pretty good day. I did a lot of cleaning in the kitchen and living room, David worked on laundry, and we both took a nap together this afternoon. That is another happy thought...snuggling with my sweetheart. I'm kind of collecting happy thoughts for the days and weeks to come. They're all there, just not necessarily identified as such. The day I found Kirstin, at approximately 18 months of age, standing in the toilet, gleefully jumping up and down with zillions of bubbles pouring over the seat and onto the floor...that's a happy thought. (She'd put a bottle of baby bath in the toilet and then climbed in on top of it.) The day Ben made his first friend; all of the times Chelsea would use words far beyond her age...When she was about 2 years old, I remember she'd get this look on her face; a scowl, and we'd ask her "Chelsea, are you angry?" "No!" "Are you sad?" "No!" "What's wrong?" "I fustwated!" (I'm frustrated!) And Becca...such an amazingly beautiful baby. I won't forget the day that she headed off to go Trick or Treating with her sisters; Becca and Kirstin were dressed identically as witches and had the same witches hats. Becca's kept falling down over her face. Then there's the day that David proposed to me. He showed up at my apartment in St. Paul, wound up like a two bit alarm clock; shuffling from one foot to another and said, "Let's go out, but not to any of those Irish places you like." Darn...no Half Time Rec. We ended up going to Dixie's on Grand, a cajun restaurant around the corner from where I lived, and oddly enough was where we ended up on our first date. While waiting for our drinks to arrive, David pulled an envelope out of his pocket, tossed it across the table to me, and said "Oh, by the way, this is for you." Inside was my engagement and wedding rings. *sigh Such a romantic ;-) Seriously, though, he really can be. When Ben was born, for example, instead of flowers, David gave me a pair of purple fuzzy footies. Another happy thought. (Okay, that's a combination happy/funny thought hehehehe.)

I've heard, many times, that it's good to count your blessings. That may be true (probably is), and I have many, many blessings. But for the time being, I prefer to count my Happy Thoughts. Oh yea...purple fuzzy footies.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yes, I did stay up until midnight last night. David and I were downstairs in our "cave" and when it was exactly midnight, I pulled a chair over to the vent that leads directly into Kirstin's room, and called "Kirstin! K!" "What?" "Happy Birthday to Me!" Kirstin came racing downstairs, with my present in her hand. She gave me a funny card and a really beautiful head scarf; white with pink spots. It's nice and soft and I'll be able to use it in a variety of different ways. Chelsea made me a really beautiful card, as did Becca who also wrote a poem for me. I've saved them both.

David and I were out the door by 6:15 a.m. because I had to be in Duluth for an MRI at 7:30. That was an interesting experience. It would have gone much better, I'm sure, if I didn't have spoon chest and the resulting protruding ribs. As it was, I had to lay on my stomach, propped up in different places (you get the picture) by foam thingies, attached to an IV with some sort of contrast medium, and then hold perfectly still for 24 minutes while squeezed into a giant metal tube that made a ginormous amount of noise in spite of the ear plugs I was given. Oddly enough, however, I dozed off during the last few minutes. I had a dream about Ben. He was opening the refrigerator, while holding a bottle of beer in his hand and he said "Dad said that whoever is holding the beer is in charge." Ooooooookay then. We stopped at McDonald's on our way home, for breakfast, and then later in the day, I got my hair cut short. My kids think it's really cute. Personally, I think I look a lot like the actor who plays Miley Cyrus' older brother in Hannah Montana. I tried to take a few pics of "the new do," but wasn't happy with any of them. I still look enormously over-weight, even though I've lost 30 pounds in the last couple of months or so. Maybe I will have better luck tomorrow. I guess I'm still vain enough that I want to look at least half-ways decent in any pictures that I publish.

The mailman brought me two cards today. One was a birthday card from a very dear friend (thanks, EllaB!), and the other was a Mass Card from my Auntie Judi. She's so awesome! I do love my aunties. They're really amazing people. My mom is one of 8 girls; she calls herself the "baby of the first half" because she's #4. My aunt Bonnie, rest her soul, was the oldest, followed by Sharon, Lanay, Marilyn (my mom), Lorna, Judi, Mary, and Eudean. There are no brothers in the family. My mom and her sisters are the type of people who would give you the shirts off of their backs and then ask if you want the pants, too. They know how to live, laugh (ooooh, boy, do they ever! hahahaha), and above all, they know how to love. So in a previous post when I said something about my Aunties being one of my happy thoughts (I can't help but smile every single time I think about them)...they really are. If any of my aunties are reading this post...three words for you: "I love you!" Blessings!

Monday, August 24

It's 10:59 p.m., Monday, August 24. In exactly one hour and one minute, I will be 47 years old. I was born with all hands on 12:00 midnight; even the second hand. Weird, eh? I used to think it made me a witch or some such thing. When I was little, I used to wait up until midnight of the 24th and then run into my parents bedroom and yell, "Happy Birthday to me!" and then run back to my bedroom (okay, more like scoot across the hall to my bedroom) and go to sleep.

I have to say that I have been very stressed out about something that I found out about, yesterday. It seems that some of my personal health information was released to a family member, without my knowledge or consent. I was annoyed with the family member, and apologies are all great but right now..., but I am absolutely furious that my HIPAA rights were violated and that someone at the hospital thought it would be okay for them to release my personal information. How many ways can we say, "WRONG!!!"

This whole ordeal is intensely personal. I feel comfortable discussing things with David, and with my mom and my cousin Terri, but that's it as far as non-medical professionals. (Okay, so David is an LPN, but you know what I mean.) Two very dear family friends that David works with are RNs (Ellen, can we adopt you?!) I know my other family members...aunts, uncles, and other cousins, and in-laws are concerned, too...but I just do not feel comfortable talking about it with them. One of the main reasons I started writing about everything is so that I wouldn't have to actually talk about it to people I wouldn't necessarily discuss things with in person.

Bah...and on that less than happy note (note to self...find your happy thought...My Aunties!...and go to your happy place), it's time to sign off and get some sleep. Twenty-four minutes until my birthday, and 6 hours and 24 minutes until David and I need to be on the road. I have an MRI scheduled for 7:30 a.m. Yay. And, oh yea! Happy Birthday to me! hahahaha Blessings!

Another Fragile Day

To begin with, I couldn't sleep last night...again. I was wide awake at 3:00 a.m., and finally decided to get up at 6:00. I made sure the kids got out the door to church (I went to church last night because I had to read), then ran a couple of errands and took Thumper down to the Vet's Home to see my dad. She didn't really want to be caught, but I tricked her with a few fresh greens. Then she was my best friend, again. *smile* The kids were all pretty much gone today...Becca and Ben out to Lax Lake, Chelsea disappeared with her boyfriend for a while, so that left David and I home with Gidget.

I talked to my cousin, Terri, today and had an amazing conversation. As soon as she heard that I have cancer, she made an appointment to get her annual exam and mamogram done. (Yay, Ter!) You see, Terri and I aren't just cousins, we're double-related cousins. Our moms are sisters, our dads are brothers, and we grew up together. Terri was by no means the first to hear that I have cancer, and she completely understands the reason why. We are very much alike in that we're intensely private about a lot of things. If we want someone to know something, we'll tell them ourselves. I had to chuckle when Terri virtually demanded that I call her to help out. Little does she know, that when I begin chemo and/or radiation, I will be taking her up on that offer; maybe by having her take my two youngest daughters into her classroom after school until either I'm home, or my two oldest kids are home.

In "cancer news," I think my mind is playing tricks on me. It appears that the tumor has grown (appears that way, though I highly doubt I'd be able to really notice a differece), and I'm finding isolated and painful areas on my chest and left side. There also appears to be right-sided axial swelling that wasn't there before. This week, once all of the tests are done, I will hopefully have some answers. If not then, clearly at some point after my surgery, eh? Blessings!

Yesterday was a Bad Day

Yesterday was a really bad day, actually. To begin with, it was cold, cloudy, and wet outside. David was busy finishing up cleaning the remains of the sump pump's failure inducing flood while I worked on another chemo cap. Plus, I never did hear from St. Luke's as to a date and time for the additional scans that were ordered, or what time my surgery is scheduled for.

I don't remember what set me off; something minor that had nothing to do with anything, really, but I cried like a baby. Blubbered would probably be a better description. David, bless his heart, was gentle, concerned, patient, and...all around wonderful. When he asked what was wrong, I told him that I didn't know...that I just felt so fragile. I was a complete and total wreck. David simply took me by the hand and held me until the storm had passed and believe me, "it" was no simple little storm. I cried for what seemed like hours but was actually nowheres near that. I told David that he didn't deserve this (this whole cancer thing), and that I felt I was being selfish for being so focused on myself these days. I know...my words didn't make a whole lot of sense, were completely illogical, but David understood that and didn't condemn me for saying them. I told him that this is really serious stuff. It finally hit home. According to the ladies in my Ravelry Breast Cancer Support Group, this breakdown that I experienced is something that all of them also had, and is a part of the process. In other words, it was/is normal and expected.

I learned something wonderful yesterday, too, and that is that I don't have to put on an act or "be strong" with David. He understands and he loves me more than anyone I've ever known. Now, how lucky can a person get...to have someone who loves them like that?! Yea...I am definitely one lucky woman...one very blessed woman and I thank God for my husband, for my kids, and for my family and friends. Blessings!

One More Stop Before Surgery

My surgeon presented my case at today's Tumor Board, a meeting of anyone that has anything to do with tumors: radiologists, oncologists, surgeons, physicians, etc. While surgery is still scheduled for the 31st, I will be having three more scans: bone, CT, and they're going to check the left breast again to see if the suspicious spots are cancer...all prior to surgery. I should know more tomorrow. But for now, that's where it stands.

Happy Thursday?

It's not a bad day, just a wet one. We had a lot of rain last night, and of course our sump pump decided to act up. Yup...our basement flooded, again. Yay. So, David is busy downstairs getting laundry done, cleaning up the basement, and knitting. He's working on a pair of socks for our youngest daughter, now that he's done with mine (love my socks!). He made me a pair of socks in a variegated yarn...Lake Superior blues and some brown. They fit, they're soft, and they were made by my favorite person in the whole world. In other words, they're perfect. More good news? Kirstin's home!! She was in the cities with Steve for a few days. She's still sleeping, so I haven't seen her yet. I don't know why they came home a day early, but I suspect it was because Kirstin was having "Becca withdrawals." Those two, especially, missed each other like crazy.

I had my pre-op appointment this morning. No biggie. My blood pressure was still high, which I expected, at 152/92. Monday, it was 160/100. The nurse who took care of me is someone I've known for years. She is also a cancer survivor. We have something...intense, for lack of a better word...in common. She told me that turbans and hats, especially as we are moving into the colder months, are especially important and that I should plan on wearing something on my head at all times. Most of our body heat escapes through our heads, and so...without hair to help insulate...I'll be getting pretty cold. That's good to know. Hats and turbans serve a functional, as well as cosmetic, purpose. For some reason, I hadn't really thought about that. The nurse also told me that she kept pictures of her kids with her, to remind her why she needed to keep fighting. I'm planning on having pictures of all 5 of my kids with me: Robert, Ben, Kirstin, Chelsea, and Becca. My PA asked if I was planning on getting my hair cut. Again, something I hadn't thought about, but it does make sense. I can either see short bits of hair falling out and going down the drain, or I can watch as big clumps of much longer hair go the same way. I think it would be less traumatic to lose shorter hair than longish, like I have right now. Also, I asked Charlie about the PR and ER positives (my cancer is estrogen and progesterone receptor positive which means that it "feeds and grows off of" estrogen and progesterone. I asked if that would be managed by medication, or what. He said that would all be part of my chemotherapy. I wasn't sure if the surgeon was planning on doing a complete hysterectomy, or what. I still don't know, but I suspect that won't happen.

I just made an appointment to get my hair cut; another practical thing to do. And now...it's time to get busy cleaning. The living room and kitchen both need my attention, and once that's done...I'll start working on another chemo cap. Maybe a felted fedora...who knows? I could even go seasonal. I've seen patterns for turkey and Christmas tree hats...as in the turkey looks like it's sitting on your head and the Christmas tree looks like it's growing Out of your head. mmmm I'll have to think about that one for a bit. Blessings!

Reality Strikes, I Think

Okay, so maybe I've been deluding myself into thinking that "it's no big deal." "I can handle this." "Everything is normal;" normal for our family, anyways. Today made me think that...maybe David's co-workers are right. Maybe I am in denial. When David was at work, I got virtually nothing done. When he came home, at least, I got some knitting done. I feel somewhat lost when he's not here; lost and anxious. (Good grief, I just realized how often I use the semi-colon when writing. Eh, well. Can we say "Attention Deficit Disorder?" ha!) There is an average 5-year survival rate for my type of cancer of 67%, or about 2/3. That means that 1/3 of people with my cancer do Not survive past 5 years. I have to consciously think about that glass...you know the one. It's either half-full or half-empty. For the past 20 years, my glass has always been half-full. Now, I'm not so sure. This is a really big deal, and it's not going to go away over night.

Kirstin called last night and said, "Mom, I just want you to be around to see your grandkids." I told her, "I'm planning on it, but not any time soon, okay?" But am I really planning on it? Am I just tired of always dealing with something bad happening in our family? Logically, I know the last two questions/statements are because I'm worried, and I'm tired even though I rested for several hours today. I have to keep looking forward, even if it's just to silly things like making and wearing some really "interesting" chemo caps. Someone suggested to me that I make a purple and gold hat, and then put the #4 on it (Brett Favre's number/Viking colors). I like that idea. I also like the idea of having several different hats to wear for different reasons. I like the idea of making some sort of wrap that I can pin in place at my right shoulder, and that should help to disguise the disfigurement of a mastectomy. I look forward to seeing my daughter, Kirstin, graduate next Spring. I look forward to many more years of hugs and giggles, trials, and joys with all of my kids. And yes, I do look forward to grandkids...some day. Not any time soon, though...okay, Kirstin?! *smile* Another thing to look forward to? I'm considering getting a tattoo...something like the image in this post. Wouldn't that be a hoot?! Blessings!

My Daughter is Mad at Me

Becca, my youngest, is mad at me. Evidently, she doesn't want to have a bald-headed mama. I told her I'd get to wear all kinds of cool hats; she said hats aren't cool, they're just...(she couldn't think of a word and became frustrated). Okay, so she's probably really not mad at me, she's just scared and confused, and angry at the cancer/that I have it. I understand and am dealing with it. The truth is, that not all chemo drugs cause alopecia. However, after doing some research last night, I learned that the typical chemo regimine used to treat the type of cancer that I have, does cause alopecia. There are ways of minimizing it; maybe not lose all of the hair, but that involves chemo treatments in smaller doses, and spaced further apart. I just want to get everything over and done with. Besides...I don't want to have to be going back and forth to Duluth (120 miles round trip) any more than I have to. David will be taking FMLA to get me to most of my appointments, and if needed, then...we'll have to rely on volunteer drivers. Fortunately, and again from what I've researched, it looks like chemo is only once every three or four weeks so that's good. In the meantime, I'll be working on some chemo hats. I haven't found any specific pattern that I'm totally "in love" with, but I have a few ideas. My head is a bit larger than average and I have a round face. Beanies/skull caps do NOT look good on me :-). I love to knit, but have rarely made anything for myself. Making a chemo cap or two gives me something to look forward to, and it's fun. And did I mention that I have a nice, new pair of knitted socks? David made them for me.

Surgeon's Report

David and I met with Dr. Nelson, my surgeon, today. Following an exam and a review of the mamogram images, the three of us sat down to talk. My cancer is the most common type, and is Stage IIIA. Stage IIIA means that the tumor is larger than 5 cm (duh, eh? hahaha It's 8 x 12 cm), and it has spread to 4 to 9 axillary lymph nodes on the same side as the carcinoma. As best we can tell, the tumor is not growing into the chest wall, which is a good thing. Stage IIIA has a 5 year survival rate of 67%. It's better than 50%, eh?

We were given 2 options to consider. Option 1) Try to save the breast by using chemo to shrink the size of the tumor, and then do a lumpectomy/lymphectomy, followed by radiation 5 days/week for 5 weeks, and then reconstruction. The problem with that, is that there is a 15% to 20% chance for the cancer to return. Given the fact that I'm still relatively young (okay, so my kids would probably disagree with that statement, but whatever), that would be another 30 years, or so, during which the cancer could come back; have to be on guard more etc. Option 2) mastectomy followed by chemo and radiation. This option gives us the best chance for a complete cure. We have decided to go with Option 2. We will not know if it will be a single or double mastectomy until I have the BSGI test; a diagnostic involving gamma radiation that can detect whether or not the two suspicious lumps in my left breast are cancerous. (Better than another biopsy, in my opinion!)

So, Dr. Nelson is going to set up the BSGI test, talk with an oncologist about my case, and also present it to a board meeting on Thursday night. This meeting involves other surgeons and professionals; should mean that the best course of action will be determined. Dr. Nelson said that everything would be done (surgery) within two weeks, give or take a day or two. This is good, I think. The girls will be close to being back in school, and so it will be quiet here at home during the day. I will be spending one or two days in the hospital. Fortunately, with David being an LPN, he will be able to handle the nursing care I will need at home for the first few days post-op. After that, another trip to the doctor for more follow-up care and then...not sure when the chemo will start. At least two of my girls seem to think I should wear a wig, once my hair starts to fall out. First of all, I'm not completely sure that my hair will fall out, although I suspect it will. I told Chelsea that if it does, it just gives me an excuse to wear some really cool hats :-) In fact, I may just have to design one or two and make them myself. Sounds like a plan to me.

Blessings!

Frozen Friday...errr...Sunday?

Frozen Sunday...not because it's cold outside, but because I'm feeling frozen today; shut down. I guess I'm pretty good at that, eh? It sure seems that way. Aside from visiting my dad, and folding and hanging up a bunch of laundry, I didn't get much done today.

David has been spending a lot of time knitting. It's calming for him. The kids are doing their things...Kirstin arrived home from camp on Thursday and has worked every day since then. Tomorrow she's leaving for the cities with Steve for four days. Ben is (hopefully?) getting his room cleaned up, Chelsea's in the living room on a laptop, and Becca will be home tomorrow from a four-day camping trip with her friend. I have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow down in Two Harbors at 10:30, so the two little girls will be home. Chelsea knows to go over to Grandma's house if she needs anything, and to send Becca over there, too, when she gets home. I guess they're going to do some cooking and/or baking, which Chelsea loves.

I went to church last night which was really nice and a little bit strange. Strange in that my name was in the church bulletin under Prayers. After mass, my cousins Tom and Bozena stopped to talk, and then we all walked out to our cars together. Both had wonderful words of hope and encouragement. Before I got in my van, Tom gave me a hug; a nice brotherly hug. (How wonderful is that?!) Bozena told me she has a good feeling about my situation, and evidently, her good feelings are rarely, if ever, wrong. Cool beans, eh? :-) I have such an amazing family. If I have one regreat about this whole thing, it's that the diagnosis came on my brother's birthday. Maybe I'm in denial about the rest; who knows?

David's family has been calling, which is very much appreciated. His parents call nearly every day, Shari called yesterday, I think? Annette sent a very nice card, and today, David's other two sisters called. It was very nice to talk to them. Kimmie seemed to understand that there was only so much to talk about re. my cancer, and so we talked about other things, too. It was great to catch up. Becky...Becky is very lovable, caring, and concerned. She seemed really happy that Kirstin and Steve will be visting the cities and staying with her for a few days (Thank you, Becky!). I smile whenever I think about Becky.

I guess I'll leave things here, for now. Tomorrow...the big day. We will know what happens next, and when. If anyone actually reads this blog, and doesn't see a new post for a few days...it's probably because I'm unable to post.

Blessings!

Friday, August 14

I admit to being a bit lazy today. I've been trying to get certain things in place for my family and kids before any procedures take place. I changed our cell phone plan to reflect more realistic usage and talked to the school nurse to ask for her advice on what can be done for the girls once they're back in school. Karen said that the girls can, if they need to, take time from class to go down and see her, or to see Rachel Howard (school counselor). Karen is also going to talk to the principal to let him know what's going on in case there is any "noise" from the girls' teachers. That's one less thing to worry about. I also called the Human Development Center to find out about Ben getting in to see his regular counselor on a weekly basis. I learned that Ed only comes to Silver Bay every two weeks, but Ben could get in to see him weekly down in Two Harbors. Because Ben works in a program down in Two Harbors, I sent an email to the director of the DAC and asked her if it would be possible for Ben to be able to get to the HDC every week, at least for the time being. I haven't had a response, yet, but I'm sure I will very soon.

I've also started making a list of questions to ask the surgeon when we see him on Monday. I need to know, for example, how many days I can expect to be in the hospital, whether or not it will be a single or double mastectomy, how soon we can expect to know what stage the cancer is in, home recovery time, when chemo and radiation will probably start, the possibility of hair loss, and possible reconstructive surgery. I'm not so sure about the latter...it seems to me that breast implants could potentially get in the way of any future mamograms/ultrasounds, and that wouldn't be a good thing.

My dad is doing well enough at the Vet's Home. He doesn't know that I have cancer, and he's not going to know if at all possible. He certainly doesn't need any more upset in his life. More good stuff...I guess my aunts have all put me on the prayer chains at their churches, so I'm pretty sure that Redwood County is nicely covered :-) In addition, Kirstin has loads of Camp Survive people praying for me, including the seminarians, counselors, campers, etc. Again...thank you, everyone, for your prayers and your support. Blessings!

I Have Cancer

It's a pretty blunt way to put it, but there it is. I have cancer; Invasive Ductal Carcinoma or IDC for short. I'm still half-trying to wrap my mind around it. I don't know if I'm in denial, shut down, or what...but I haven't cried. It's very, very strange, because it was nearly 28 years ago that we found out my cousin had cancer. I remember at that time thinking to myself, "Okay. They know what's wrong; they'll go in, fix it, and it will be done." I am feeling largely the same way about my own cancer. It's a different type than my cousin had, of course, but cancer nonetheless. They'll go in, fix it, and be done. Kirstin asked me, "Are you going to die, mom?" "I'm not planning on it!" *smile* Becca refused to sip water out of my glass. "I don't want to catch cancer, mom!" "Becca, it's not contagious. You can't catch it, it's just something that happens." Chelsea has been spending a lot of time swinging, on the computer, and in the shower. Those are her coping mechanisms. Ben...like I said before (I think?), he's been telling everyone...neighbors, people in the grocery store, at work; that's his way. And, it's not as if it's a big secret any more. Silver Bay is a small town, and I love it. This is home and I'm so glad I moved back when I married David 20 years ago. I cannot count the numbers of offers of help, the comments, the support I've received just in the last 24 hours. It's absolutely amazing! I mean...I'm David's wife, my kids' mom...otherwise, I'm basically a hermit. But...wow!

I took Thumper down to the Vet's Home this morning, to see my dad and other residents. I have a rather interesting thought about that bunny. Thumper's run is very large; 8' x 3' x 2', and so if Thumper doesn't want to be caught, there's pretty much no way you're going to catch her, and normally, Thumper doesn't want to be caught. About a week ago, however, Thumper started wanting hugs and snuggles. I'd go over to talk to her, or to take care of her (and Cuddles, the other rabbit), and Thumper would come running. I'd pick her up and she'd snuggle right down; closing her eyes as I rubbed her cheeks, scratched her ears, and stroked her gloriously velvety fur. I really have to wonder if she knew something was going on. I suspect that she did. Thumper and I had a very nice visit with my mom and dad, with some of the residents, and staff. Again, so many people offered support, help, smiles, and words of encouragement. It really makes a world of difference and helps me to say positive and proactive.

One last note before I end this post; I ran across something really great, the other day, "God doesn't give you what he thinks you can handle; he helps you handle what you are given." Amen.

The Results Are In

Invasive Ductal Carcinoma; breast cancer. David and I were given the report yesterday during a meeting with my PA. Charlie Wall is very proactive, and breast cancer and cancer screenings are his passion so I feel comfortable that I'm in very capable hands. He'd already set up an appointment with one of two surgeons from St. Luke's that he feels are the best. So on Monday, August 17, I will be meeting with Dr. Nelson for the initial consultation and to, in all likelihood, get all of the necessary tests set up. No doubt there will be CT and MRI, bone scans etc. We will not know exactly what we're dealing with (stage etc.) until all the tests have been run. From what little I've been able to learn from reliable internet sources, we're looking at Stage 2 or Stage 3 because there is lymph node involvement.

David and I are also being very proactive, and doing our best to maintain a positive attitude, especially for the kids. Chelsea has evidently made it her mission to be an anti-cancer cheerleader on facebook. Becca...she wanted cuddles last night and so David went out and slept on the little couch. Becca and I snuggled throughout the night and I actually got some sleep. Yay!!! But then, Ben woke everyone up early because he needed some $$$ for sodas for work, today. Yay Ben. He's having a difficult time of things; it's clear by his anxious actions; some of the things he says "I'm sorry you have this, mom. I don't want you to die, mom. You're the only mom I have." etc. "I'll tell you, when you're sick, it should teach me a good lesson, do you know that? To teach me responsibility; I'm going to have to set expectations for me higher than they should be." (He's saying that as I type.)

I'll log more, later...right now, the kids are getting into it and I should go. Stay tuned for part .999.

Day 4

Still waiting to hear the biopsy results. My PA was down at the Vet's Home this morning, until noon. After that he should be back in his office. I was told 2 working days to receive the results, but because the biopsies were done so late in the day on Friday, I'm beginning to suspect that I won't hear anything until tomorrow...Wednesday. Awww...I just got chocolate kisses from Becca. She's eating a fudgesicle and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Things like that make me smile.

I really didn't sleep last night. I stayed awake until very late/very early, depending on how you look at it, then was up an hour or so later. I am feeling very tired right now, but I know I wouldn't be able to sleep if I tried. So here I sit, blogging away. Sadly, David couldn't sleep last night, either, and then over slept and was 15 minutes late for work. I hope he doesn't get in trouble for that.

After running David's lunch down to him at work (PB & J, as usual), I visited with my mom and dad for a bit, and some of the VFW ladies who were at the Vet's Home working BINGO. Then it was off to the grocery store to pick up a few things; again, I'm so out of it it's not even funny. I ran into my cousin Terri, there, and ended up telling her what's going on. She said she was going to run home and say a rosary for me. I love my cousin, Ter. Then, my aunt Lanay stopped by my house to see if I'd heard anything, yet, and to visit for a few minutes. We both agreed that the waiting is the killer. She's had breast troubles in the past; none that she could recall involving the lymph nodes, however, like mine. Wait and see. I promised to let Terri and Lanay know as soon as we hear anything. I think I might have to make a list of all the people we need to notify...there's just so many, even though (for the most part), I've tried to keep things quiet, again, waiting to see if there really is anything to be concerned about. I think my mom can call my brothers, her sisters etc., and then David can call his family. My friends...I will probably post on facebook as well as here, to let everyone know what's going on.

It's 12:41 p.m., and office hours at the clinic (I think?) end in 4 hours, 19 minutes. But who's counting, eh?

Day 3

Okay, so I was a little more productive today. Considering I really haven't gotten anything done in the last few days, that's really not saying much. I've been staying up as late as possible, hoping that I'll then be able to fall asleep for a while. I don't imagine that tonight will be any different. I haven't been eating and have lost another 5 pounds (believe me, I can afford to lose ten times that). Then I sleep later than I usually do, but that's okay. Sleep makes the time pass quicker. I hope, hope, hope, hope, hope! that the results are in tomorrow. This whole thing has been such a trial for my family and friends. I have been getting lots more hugs from Chelsea, Becca has been hovering, and Kirstin has called home once or twice a day from camp. Ben...he was the hard one. I didn't know what, or how to tell him. I finally told him tonight, that I'd had tests done on Friday. His first thought was that it was cancer, and "I don't want you to die, mom!" Poor kid dropped to the floor :-( But that's Ben. He's always been my "ten times" kid. When he's happy, he's ten times happier than a typical person. When he's sad or angry...he's ten times more. And when he's worried...he's exponentially more worried. You know, every now and then, but very rarely...I would wonder what it would be like to have a typical son; a boy who would play basketball and football, have friends, date, maybe get into a little trouble at school...but then I'd push that thought away. I have Ben. He has autism and adhd...he's loud, talks way too fast (I often have to play interpreter), doesn't necessarily care if his clothes are clean, ripped, or even on correctly at times...but he's my boy :-)

Anyways. My PA, Charlie Wall, called first thing this morning to ask how Friday's appointment had gone, and to tell me that he would call as soon as any results came in. So...again, we wait. But I do appreciate Charlie calling me right away. He's really jumped on this whole thing, which inspires confidence and promotes my trust. A few hours later, a nurse from St. Luke's Breast Center called to check on the wound etc. She told me that it might be Wednesday before we hear anything. Please God, let it be tomorrow so that we can all finally have some answers.

Nothing much new today...I peeled off the steri-strips and noted that the wound has closed and is healing well enough; no redness etc. It's not big; just a half inch or so. There is some bruising, and it still burns inside. I'm not crazy about the Tylenol; I've been using an ice pack which seems to relieve the pain just as well. I also notice some axial pain that radiates down the inside of my right arm to the elbow. I've been having sudden headaches in the same spot; just above my eye in the right frontal area. I'm sure it's all stress and anxiety.

On the good side...I've been getting some nice support from family and friends (old and new). Lots of prayers are being said, and healing being sent. I don't know if anyone reads this blog...but if you are (reading this), I want to thank you for your concern. Blessings on you and yours.

Day 2.999

I talked to Julia earlier, and then Mike a couple of hours ago. Yayyy!!! I feel better, now, knowing that the people closest to me know what's going on. I slept for a few hours this afternoon, but I'm still tired. It's weird. I don't want to feel this way; turning off and shutting down. I want to get all of my housework caught up, finish up the yardwork, and keep doing the things I should be doing. But all I can think about is how I wish I could sleep until the pathology report comes back. I was told two working days = Tuesday. Do you think I could be lucky enough that I'll hear something tomorrow?

I am grateful for family and friends for their kindness. The one thing I really don't want, no matter what happens, is for people to leave me alone out of "compassion" or fear or whatever. I went down to the Vet's Home to visit my dad (my mom was also there), and that was nice. My mom had big smiles and hugs...she's amazing! After I left my mom and dad in the dining room, I stopped for a few minutes to talk to my cousin, Bozena, who is one of the RNs there. I appreciate Bozena on different levels...for the family relationship, for her professional understanding and knowledge, and for her words of hope and caution. She's great!

Becca seems certain that I have cancer. Tonight, she wanted some ice cream. Shame on me for not having run the dishwasher today, so I gave her my water glass and told her to wash it out and she could use it to make herself a malt. She said "I don't want to get cancer." We're all struggling; trying to take things one day at a time, or even one minute at a time. Ben, bless his heart, took off for the woods today to say a rosary. He hasn't done that in several weeks. This whole thing has cat a pall over the whole family. I guess it's up to me (God give me strength) to get up tomorrow morning and get busy doing what needs doing. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best; live one day at a time and do the best you can with what you have.

Day 2

Went to bed late last night, hoping to sleep and was able to get a good 5 or 6 hours of rest before the puppy woke me up. Good deal. The first thing I did was went online to check to see if I'd received any messages from a new friend, a cancer survivor, who has kindly volunteered to be a "go to" person for support. I had sent her a message in which I asked her how much weight I should give to the radiologist's conclusions. She said that radiologists are not allowed to give diagnoses, but that they've seen so much, and know so much, that I should prepare for the worst. So, that's what I am going to do.

Because it appears that the word is out, I've been trying to contact my closest people to make sure that they hear it from me, and not second hand. So far, I've talked to my mom and my brother Doug; haven't been able to reach Mike, yet. I sent emails to my step-son, Alice, my best friends, and most of David's siblings. I've also contacted a few friends through facebook.

Aside from the headache, I'm feeling okay today, I guess. There's some discomfort from the steri-strips that they used to close up the hole (holes?) from the biopsies, but that's to be expected. There's also some bruising, again to be expected. I really need to get a new bra. I have one, and the danged puppy decided it would make a good chew toy so...one strap is being held together by a wish and a prayer, the other is in-expertly sewn by me, and there's a hole in one side. Yay. Ben just left for church, and I've decided that I'm going to go with my mom down at the Vet's Home at 10:00. I'm trying to think of "normal" things that need doing today...taking care of the animals, going to the grocery store etc. I really need to finish cleaning out my cupboards, too. I'm also sure that I'll sleep...just because I still have 2 days to wait until I hear anything for sure. I'm an American, dang it! I want instant gratification :-)

Day 1.999

Okay, so it's not quite time to post Day 2, yet. That's why this one is called Day 1.999. I'm sitting here trying to determine whether or not I'm tired; probably not. Deciding whether or not I should try to get some sleep; probably, but probably won't be able to.

I did to go see the play that Becca was in tonight. Prairie Fire Theater's Snow White. Becca was one of the spell casters; she was one of the evil queen's evil fairies/sorcerers. It was the spell casters that put the kybosh on Snow White. It was a very well-put together and acted production, especially given the fact that auditions were on Monday, and the first show was last night...4 days later. I'm so proud of Becca! :-)

I'm still trying not to get ahead of myself (put the cart before the horse etc.), but I know this: Radiologists are highly trained and qualified in what they do. Radiologists...maybe especially the one they had at St. Luke's Breast Center...know their stuff and are, therefore, qualified to make diagnoses. I don't want to think about it, but it's kind of hard not to. Okay, it's impossible not to think about it.

I'm trying to remember, now, if I ate today. I think I did? Yes. I had a hot dog. I think I also did some cleaning, visited the rabbits; Thumper wanted cuddles again (she's such a sweetie!). No pithy comment to end this post, so I'll just leave it at that.

Day 1

Today is Saturday, August 8. I'm calling this Day 1 because it's the first day after I had my mamogram, ultrasound, and biopsies at St. Luke's Breast Center. I had heard horror stories about mamograms; untrue. It was a piece of cake. Okay, I have "spoon chest" which made things a little bit tricky, but success was eventually achieved. I got to wear a pretty dark pink smock type thing, and not the usual icky floral-patterned white hospital gown. Two views of one side, three views of the other side, the one with the mass; all done. Maybe not. A few minutes later, I was called back in for seven more views of the side that doesn't have the mass. Odd. Following a short wait, I was taken back for ultrasound and biopsy. I felt kind of bad for all the people working on me because it was Friday, and late in the afternoon. I'm sure they would all have liked to have gone home. So would I.

I didn't get to watch the ultrasound because I was propped facing the opposite direction from the screen. Oh, well. The ultrasound people were very nice; one was a trainee, I think. It was pretty funny, I thought, to sign release/consent forms while lying down and at an approximate 45 degree angle, previously in the dark, then with the bright light turned on so that I could see what I was signing. I just went along with everything; whatever.

A short while later, the radiologist came in to do the biopsies. He introduced himself, and I opened my eyes long enough to get a vague impression of a man who looked to be in his mid to late 50's, gray and wavey hair and maybe a beard, but I'm not sure. As I said, it was a vague impression and obviously, I wasn't terribly excited to see what he was going to do. I believe there was an application of betadine, and then some sort of topical anesthetic. After a while, there was an injection of a local anesthetic. I don't know how much time passed; I wasn't paying attention. I remember hearing the radiologist say that we were going to begin. I started deep breathing. The first one wasn't bad at all. I felt pressure and some burning, and heard the sound of the needle aspirator (10 gauge needle...not small). The second biopsy...that hurt! Much more pressure, far more burning. It felt like a knife being slowly inserted, millimeter by millimeter. I asked them to please tell me that we were all done. No such luck. The third, and final biopsy wasn't bad at all. I asked the radiologist if he could tell; what was his best opinion on whether it was benign or malignant, and he said he thinks it's cancer. I'll believe it when I hear it from my PA (Physician's Assistant). The ultrasound tech inserted some sort of a clip; can't remember exactly why. I think it was to mark the mass for future reference. (As if they couldn't see exactly where it was? It's bigger than a lime, for pete's sake! *smile*) After that, lights up, and I was free to go...almost. One more mamogram for whatever reason. I was giggling; hysterical laughter, perhaps (hysterical giggles). They had me sit down and then brought in "the throne." The biggest chair on wheels I've ever seen. It looked like a luxury dentist's chair. Mamogram completed, and this time, I really was free to go. We should have the results around Tuesday, August 11..Day 4 and my brother's 50th birthday. Hopefully it will be good news. If not, well...we'll just cross that bridge if we have to, eh?.

Wait and See

Wait and see. Three little words that contain a world of possibilities. Wait and see. At 3:00 p.m. tomorrow, I'll be down in Duluth with the goal of learning the type of abnormality I have on my right front/side. There is a lump that is 12 cm x 8 cm; causing inversion, puckering, and some pain. There is also a swolen lymph node. Wait and see.

When Does Cool Become Scarey?

Cool becomes scarey when your daughter rides off on the back of her boyfriend's new motorcycle...and not you, 30 years ago. Some revelation, huh? When we're young, we do all sorts of things that we later look back on as foolish, risky, and sometimes just plain dumb.

Kids (anyone under the age of...oh, say 25) think they're invincible. Life is full of promise, high expectations, excitement, and everything is done at warp speed. There are not enough hours in the day to do everything you want to do, when you're 17, or 18, or ... Then you grow up/grow old; sometimes they're one and the same, sometimes not. You have wisdom gained from experience, education, and 20/20 hindsight. It's the hindsight, I think, that can be particularly enlightening, as long as you don't dwell too long on the "what ifs" and "should haves," "could haves," and "would haves." Most of all, it's when you become a parent that you gain some of the greatest insight. Suddenly, your own parents become so much more intelligent, and you gain a wonderful perspective of what they went through when raising their own kids.

Parenting is tough (duh, eh?). I like to think that David and I each bring certain strengths to the table because of the way we were each raised. We have a good idea of how the other thinks, and the reasons why we are the way we are. In that, we compliment each other. David is, perhaps, a bit more willing to let our kids stretch their wings. I want to keep them home forever. Well, maybe not forever...it comes from that whole "mother the world" thing that I have. I just want my kids to be safe, happy, and become relatively well-adjusted adults. As usual, I'm probably over-analyzing things. I suspect this is true because I'm getting a headache. I think I'll end this post and go take an Advil. There's a bottle in my room with my name on it. It probably also says "Take 2 every four hours, or until your daughter is safely back home after her motorcycle ride."

When? Where?

When I think of my kids, Robert, Ben, Kirstin, Chelsea, and Becca...I generally think of them as being little. It requires a conscious effort to see them as they really are. Good grief, does that ever sound familiar to me, now that I've said it. When Ben was very young, I was so busy seeing him as I wanted to, that I failed to see him as he really was. Hind sight, eh? It's 20/20. Reality proves that Robert is now 27 years old, Ben is 18, Kirstin is 17, Chelsea is 14, and Becca is 11. But to me, and often, Robert is still that little guy with the missing front tooth that came into my life when I married his dad. mmmm Nope. He's a grown man, now, with a life of his own and lives half the country away from us. Ben...is another story, in some ways. He graduated from high school, but lives at home and will continue to do so for the forseeable future. He has a job through a program at the DAC where he works at the recycling center in Two Harbors. It's a good thing because it's a program, it's not within walking distance of home (so he can't all of a sudden decide to leave work and go home), and it's giving Ben the chance to have a job and gain some independence. Ben's job is also giving the rest of the family the chance to gain a little independence (break?) from everything that goes along with his different ability/disability...whatever label you'd care to use. David and I have talked, and we're fairly sure that Ben will eventually be living in a group home, especially since we have heard there are homes in which the residents get to go fishing, snowmobiling, and wheeling (ATVs) which are pretty much the three things that Ben absolutely lives for. But that won't be for a while. He's not ready to leave home, and we're not ready to let him go.

Kirstin is still that little 3-year old who said, when I asked if I could hold her forever, "Momma, how 'bout three times forever?" But then I actually look at her and see this almost fully-grown, talented, responsible, and lovely young woman who will be graduating from high school next year and going on to college. Kirstin plans on spending two years at a community college, and then finishing up a degree in special education at a four year college.

Chelsea...she's my button. In some ways, she hasn't changed a great deal from when she was younger. She still wakes up happy as a clam every day, big smile on her face, and loves to give and receive hugs. As I've said before, physically at 5' 3 1/2" tall, she's very huggable. Chelsea is one of just two people I've ever known, who have absolutely known what they wanted to be when they grew/grow up. Chelsea wants to be a chef. The other person was my brother, Doug, who always wanted to be a cop. He is, that, in addition to being a sniper on his SWAT team, and a member of Minnesota's Honor Guard.

Becca is the baby, but it's kind of hard to keep that in mind considering that she's just 1/2" shorter than Chelsea, now. They could be twins in size, but there are three years between her and Chels. Becca is growing like the proverbial weed. I still see her, however, as she was at around age 2 when she had a head full of great big loopy curls. She looked like a bobble head doll, wearing her little pink Osh Kosh overalls. Today she's tall and lean, and a very good student who especially enjoys math and science.

So what I'd like to know, is: When did they grow up? Where was I?

Happy 4th of July

Happy Independence Day! I see that in spite of my best intentions, I haven't posted here in several months. Obviously, a lot has happened since we learned that my dad's cancer had progressed back in February.

We had an ice storm at the end of March to beat all ice storms in memory. We ended up with 2" of ice on everything, and nine of our thirteen trees either broken or damaged. The whole town, and the surrounding area, looked like a war zone with thousands and thousands of trees down, power lines down, etc. Silver Bay lost power for 4 hours, Finland lost power for 4 days. The Red Cross set up a shelter at the arena, though not as many people as one would expect took advantage of it. The ice was really gorgeous...but equally horrific. I'm grateful that David stayed in Eveleth those days, so I didn't have to worry about him driving on lonely, ice-covered roads back and forth to school.

Dad's seizures are still not completely controlled and they, along with dementia, have taken a toll on his cognitive abilities. Some days he thinks he's in Wabasso, a town near the farm where he grew up. Other days he thinks he's in a hospital. Some days he doesn't know who we are, other days he remembers not only who we are, but the nicknames he gave us when we were younger. Already basically skin and bones, he's losing more weight and the Vet's Home has begun monitoring how much he eats. Dad doesn't complain of being in any pain, really, so that's a positive. We have no way of knowing how far the cancer has progressed to-date because he's basically on comfort care that will include pain management when he needs it etc. Mom spends just about every day, all day, with him. She goes to church in the morning, then down to the Vet's Home to feed dad his breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and just to be with him. My oldest daughter, Kirstin, visits "papa" every day. I go down to see him anywheres between 2 and 5 days a week. I typically bring one of the "little girls." I say little, because they are my two youngest. Chelsea is 14, now, and Becca is 11. They're really not so little anymore. Well, unless you count size. Chelsea is pretty much full-grown and stands 5' 3 1/2" tall. Becca, three years younger, is 5' 2" tall. Chelsea giggles about being little (compared to me...Amazon at 5' 9" tall), sometimes she gets a little frustrated and wishes she could be taller. I tell her that she's "huggable." *smile*

A daughter of one of the residents at the Vet's Home, where David works, told him the other day "I didn't know you were married to the Bunny Lady!" Between my mom and our family, we have two rabbits (Thumper and Cuddles), a guinea pig (Fritz), and a chocolate lab puppy (Gidget). All we need is a goat and we'll have a real menagerie. My dad (and other residents at the Vet's Home) like to see the animals, so I usually bring one or two of them with me when I go to visit. The rabbits are especially well-behaved; Gidget...not so much. She's a lab, she's a puppy, 'nuf said.

David graduated from Mesabi Range on May 13, our 20th wedding anniversary. I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate, than to go up to Virginia for his graduation ceremony. I cannot express how proud we all are of his accomplishments. In addition to going to school full-time for two years, he worked full-time. David would get home from school around 1:30 on Friday afternoon, and go straight to work at 2:00. He would then work 8 hours, come home for 8 hours, then go back to work for 8 hours, for the whole weekend. It took it's toll. Finally, for the last few months of his school, he dropped down to a .8 at work, which allowed him 8 hours of home-time on the weekend. I have to say, that I have a very deep and new respect for single parents because that's basically what I was for two years...a single mom. I am grateful that the kids are a little bit older and capable of assuming certain responsibilities. Ben was fantastic, with clearing snow at our house and at my mom's house etc. I never had to worry about not being able to get out of the driveway because Ben was so very, very good about taking care of it all. The same for my mom. There were a number of days that I would wake Ben up at 5 a.m. to go out and clear snow; he never once complained about doing it. I'm really proud of the girls, too. Kirstin managed school work (some classes better than others), a job, and play practice with good grace, and high expectations which I believe, were achieved. Chelsea and Becca...they did well, too. Yay girls!

I, too, have finally graduated from school. I now have an AA degree in Medical Billing and Coding, and received the Most Inspirational On-Line Student award from Duluth Business University. I'm pretty proud of that, but it would not have happened without the support, understanding, and kindness of the staff at DBU.

On that happy note, it's time for me to end this entry and finish the potato salad that I started an hour ago. David, Ben, Chelsea, Becca, the puppy, and I are all driving down to Duluth to have a picnic with David's parents. After that, I'm not sure what we're going to do. Kirstin will be coming down later with her boyfriend, Steve, when he gets off work. We like Steve. He's a nice guy and treats Kirstin really well.