"This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad!"
Every day is a gift from God; to be treasured and spent in his service. I'm sitting in bed, typing away, and looking out the window at the beautiful blue sky...church is in an hour and I can't wait to go. I'm so excited for this day! Okay, so I may sound a little sappy, but Wow! A brand new day with endless opportunities.
A short post, today, I know. I'll get better, I promise! *smile*
"I wish for you my friend, this happiness that I've found. You can depend on Him, it matters not where you're bound..." from the song, "Pass It On." Appropriate, don't you think? Pass It On!
Blessings!
Dee
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Ideas
Lots of ideas running around in my head (scarey stuff, that..ha!), so I thought I'd jot a few of them here so that I don't forget.
1. Work on a newsletter for a friend; early childhood and nutrition related.
2. Get busy working on Christmas gifts for family and friends...Norwegian double-stranded mittens for Connie (purple and white), hats and mittens for Kirstin and Steve; probably Chelsea, Ben and Becca, too.
3. Write a book...maybe about the almost symbiotic relationship I continue to have with the Salls family because of our chronologically parallel struggles, maybe just about the blessings I've received from being sick. Dunno
Have a happy!
1. Work on a newsletter for a friend; early childhood and nutrition related.
2. Get busy working on Christmas gifts for family and friends...Norwegian double-stranded mittens for Connie (purple and white), hats and mittens for Kirstin and Steve; probably Chelsea, Ben and Becca, too.
3. Write a book...maybe about the almost symbiotic relationship I continue to have with the Salls family because of our chronologically parallel struggles, maybe just about the blessings I've received from being sick. Dunno
Have a happy!
Happy Friday!
Happy Friday! Gorgeous day...sunny, blue skies, a few clouds and supposed to be close to 80 degrees. Wow! And, I just got a call from work telling me that instead of a Noon start, I will need to be there at 1:00. That gives me an extra hour at home to get a few things done...like blogging/journaling here *smile*.
This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad! The Psalm that runs through my head every day, and several times a day. All good things come from Heaven so Look Up and AnJoy your day :-D
This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad! The Psalm that runs through my head every day, and several times a day. All good things come from Heaven so Look Up and AnJoy your day :-D
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Guess What?
To anyone reading this, I've been writing on a different site...a Caring Bridge site. So if you'd like to know what's been going on with the whole cancer thing etc., you can hop over there and find out :-)
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/frerickslarson
Blessings, love, and light!
Dee
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/frerickslarson
Blessings, love, and light!
Dee
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Body Image; maybe TMI
I've been pretty ill for the past few days and so haven't posted. Earlier today, however, I was thinking about how most, if not all, of this blog has been devoted to feelings, appointments, test results etc. It does not address one of my worst fears, upon learning that I have breast cancer, and that is: "What will I look like after I have the mastectomies?"
I spent some time on the internet looking up images of women who had mastectomies. I didn't come up with a whole lot, but what I saw was encouraging enough; not too bad looking. Where there had once been breasts, there were neat crescent moon shaped scars. Some were not so pretty, but I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I might look like post-surgery. I don't think I ever thought much about "Oh, without my breasts I'm not going to be "me" anymore!" or "My big boobs were the only thing balancing out my big tummy." It wasn't like that. I'm not sure how to describe it, but...maybe my thinking was more clinical. Removing my breasts was the best way to ensure that I could beat this thing...this cancer. Okay...let's get it done, eh?
Post-surgery...to be honest, I hardly remember a thing that first week. It was longer, yet, before I had the courage to check out my new chest. To begin with, I was all stapled and bandaged up. I felt like I had a tight bandage wrapped all the way around my chest. A couple of weeks later, when I was able to take my first real shower post-op, that's when I actually looked and understood what had happened. I used to have rather...chubbly underarms. My left one still is; they only removed 17 nodes from that one. The right, however, is now quite concave in appearance because they removed 39 nodes there. I also have a slight indentation just below my right collar bone, and next to the sternum, where they removed some nodes from behind my chest wall. My surgeon removed all of the breast tissue from both sides, but there was still some fat left over on my sides and so that...it still sticks out a bit. I'm thinking that maybe that might come in handy during reconstruction, if I do decide to go that route. Plus, when stapling the incisions, the skin flaps didn't line up properly, and so there is a lot of puckering and areas of seemingly random swelling. I guess the scar tissue I had on my breasts from before (bunny scratches and scars) got in the way of properly closing the incisions. Oh well. Each incision starts at my sternum, and ends just at the edge of my underarm. I've been pretty swollen up the last couple of days, due to being ill and in bed for most of the time, I'm sure, but I expect that to all go down soon. Oh yea. I also have a 3" diagonal scar at my left front shoulder through which my port was implanted. My entire surgical area is still numb, as is the bottom side of my left upper arm. My surgeon said feeling may or may not return to these areas. In order to get at the lymph nodes, he had to sever a lot of nerves. Every now and then, I feel twinges and "pings" as the nerves try to heal themselves. It's not terribly comfortable, really, but it's all part of the process.
Body image...no biggie. I think it's actually kind of nice that I no longer have to wear a bra :-) I wear camis, chemises, tank tops...anything that's non-binding. Because of the extensive lymph node removal, I run a 10% chance of ending up with lymphedema, or swelling in my arms and hands caused by my body's inability to move fluids through the lymphatic system. I've heard that lymphedema isn't much fun. So...I cannot wear any clothes that bind, no jewelry; I cannot carry my purse on my right arm, or have my blood pressure taken on that arm. I'm glad that I can still type and knit, though :-) Now I just have to lose some of this tummy to match my new and much more trim chest size *smile. Blessings!
I spent some time on the internet looking up images of women who had mastectomies. I didn't come up with a whole lot, but what I saw was encouraging enough; not too bad looking. Where there had once been breasts, there were neat crescent moon shaped scars. Some were not so pretty, but I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I might look like post-surgery. I don't think I ever thought much about "Oh, without my breasts I'm not going to be "me" anymore!" or "My big boobs were the only thing balancing out my big tummy." It wasn't like that. I'm not sure how to describe it, but...maybe my thinking was more clinical. Removing my breasts was the best way to ensure that I could beat this thing...this cancer. Okay...let's get it done, eh?
Post-surgery...to be honest, I hardly remember a thing that first week. It was longer, yet, before I had the courage to check out my new chest. To begin with, I was all stapled and bandaged up. I felt like I had a tight bandage wrapped all the way around my chest. A couple of weeks later, when I was able to take my first real shower post-op, that's when I actually looked and understood what had happened. I used to have rather...chubbly underarms. My left one still is; they only removed 17 nodes from that one. The right, however, is now quite concave in appearance because they removed 39 nodes there. I also have a slight indentation just below my right collar bone, and next to the sternum, where they removed some nodes from behind my chest wall. My surgeon removed all of the breast tissue from both sides, but there was still some fat left over on my sides and so that...it still sticks out a bit. I'm thinking that maybe that might come in handy during reconstruction, if I do decide to go that route. Plus, when stapling the incisions, the skin flaps didn't line up properly, and so there is a lot of puckering and areas of seemingly random swelling. I guess the scar tissue I had on my breasts from before (bunny scratches and scars) got in the way of properly closing the incisions. Oh well. Each incision starts at my sternum, and ends just at the edge of my underarm. I've been pretty swollen up the last couple of days, due to being ill and in bed for most of the time, I'm sure, but I expect that to all go down soon. Oh yea. I also have a 3" diagonal scar at my left front shoulder through which my port was implanted. My entire surgical area is still numb, as is the bottom side of my left upper arm. My surgeon said feeling may or may not return to these areas. In order to get at the lymph nodes, he had to sever a lot of nerves. Every now and then, I feel twinges and "pings" as the nerves try to heal themselves. It's not terribly comfortable, really, but it's all part of the process.
Body image...no biggie. I think it's actually kind of nice that I no longer have to wear a bra :-) I wear camis, chemises, tank tops...anything that's non-binding. Because of the extensive lymph node removal, I run a 10% chance of ending up with lymphedema, or swelling in my arms and hands caused by my body's inability to move fluids through the lymphatic system. I've heard that lymphedema isn't much fun. So...I cannot wear any clothes that bind, no jewelry; I cannot carry my purse on my right arm, or have my blood pressure taken on that arm. I'm glad that I can still type and knit, though :-) Now I just have to lose some of this tummy to match my new and much more trim chest size *smile. Blessings!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Not a Bad Day at All :-)
My day started at about 5:00 or so, when I got up and made David breakfast, his lunch (the usual PB & J), and a pot of coffee. Okay, so the breakfast was Cream of Wheat, but it made David happy which in turn made me happy. After David left for work, I took my meds and then went online to check my usual places; facebook and my on-line support group. Spent some nice time with the kids...hugs and cuddles with Chelsea and she read me a series of thoughts she'd written down (very creative!). Ben stopped to see me long enough to let me know he was heading for the woods (okay, be safe, have fun, be good). Becca showed me a cartoon she's been working on for quite a while, and then she let me read a story that she started writing last year. It's really a good story and I can't wait to see what happens next. It's a mystery, involving an abandoned house, a locked door at the top of some steps, and a silver key. By 8:30 or so, I was getting tired and so I laid down to rest. That's when the phone rang, and it was my wonderful oldest son calling from Orlando! He was calling to check on how I was doing, feeling etc. He wanted to know if I glowed in the dark. I had to laugh at that, seeing as how David once had me believing that I would glow in the dark following a test I had involving radioactivity. I told Robert, "No, the chemo isn't radioactive, it's just poison." We had a good laugh over that "just poison" and then went on to have a really great visit...15 to 20 minutes, I think :-) It was cut shorter than I would have hoped (dang, my call waiting), but as always, before I hung up I told him that I love him, and he said he loves me too. I'm sitting here smiling. Afterwards, I took a nap for a few hours. I was just so danged tired.
My oldest brother (who, by the way, says that Hair is vastly over-rated hahaha) is up for the weekend, and so we had a family work crew getting the garage and yard winterized. Thank you, Mom, Mike, David, Ben, and Steve! The garage scares me and so I generally stay out of there. It's supposed to be "Ben's Domain" in as far as keeping it clean etc., but...anyways. The Boat and wheeler are in the back yard, the van is parked at the side of the garage where it will stay for the winter, the car is in the driveway and there's even room in the garage now, if we need to move it in there. The fabric part of the screen house is put away, the tents, etc. All that is left to do, is to put away the garden gnomes...I think.
It's very often difficult to accept help, especially when you want so badly to reciprocate in some way but for one reason or another, are unsure or unable to. We thank God daily for the blessings of family, friends, and faith. Today really wasn't a bad day at all. I was tired and feeling a bit fragile...but really...'I will lift mine eyes to the Lord' ^^^Thank You!^^^ Blessings!
My oldest brother (who, by the way, says that Hair is vastly over-rated hahaha) is up for the weekend, and so we had a family work crew getting the garage and yard winterized. Thank you, Mom, Mike, David, Ben, and Steve! The garage scares me and so I generally stay out of there. It's supposed to be "Ben's Domain" in as far as keeping it clean etc., but...anyways. The Boat and wheeler are in the back yard, the van is parked at the side of the garage where it will stay for the winter, the car is in the driveway and there's even room in the garage now, if we need to move it in there. The fabric part of the screen house is put away, the tents, etc. All that is left to do, is to put away the garden gnomes...I think.
It's very often difficult to accept help, especially when you want so badly to reciprocate in some way but for one reason or another, are unsure or unable to. We thank God daily for the blessings of family, friends, and faith. Today really wasn't a bad day at all. I was tired and feeling a bit fragile...but really...'I will lift mine eyes to the Lord' ^^^Thank You!^^^ Blessings!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Holy Cow!
My hair is already starting to fall out! Not clumps, yet, but when I run my fingers through my hair, I come away with 4 - 8 hairs each time. I knew it was going to happen within a week, or two...but shocked that it's already started a little more than 24 hours after my first treatment. The good thing? It means the drugs are doing their job...killing off the most rapidly growing cells...especially the bad cells. Wow. Blessings!
Happy Friday!
It's Friday, and I've had all but one of my appointments for the week. Good grief...every day this week to one or another! (I'm sitting here laughing about it :-) )
Monday I saw my surgeon in Two Harbors, and that went well. Serumen had decreased by 50% from the previous week. I see him again next Monday and there's every possibility that it will be for the last time. Tuesday I was in Duluth for a MUGA scan (Multiple Gated Acquisition Scan) which measures the strength/health of the left ventricle. Because one of my chemo drugs (Adriamycin) can be toxic to the heart muscle and lead to heart failure, my oncologist wanted to make sure that my heart was strong enough to withstand treatment. I'm not sure what the numbers scale is all about, but I needed to have a score of 50 and ended up with a 67. I guess I passed, eh? :-) That test was no biggie. They withdrew some blood, mixed it with a radioactive medium of some sort, then reinjected that and did the scan. It was similar to the bone scan I'd already had. Wednesday I went to see my PA because of the severe pain I was experiencing in my right shoulder and through my right chest area. I wanted to make sure that whatever was causing the pain would not delay my chemo. It turns out that I have bursitis. Okay, that's manageable. I can, however, only take tylenol for that pain.
Yesterday I had my first chemo. Needless to say, I got very little sleep Wednesday night. I was really scared and so when I dressed for the big day, I dressed with purpose. Basic jeans, a white spaghetti strap tank to make access to my port easier, and then my Grandma Woelfel's red blouse. I figured that way I would have Grandma with me physically, even though I knew she was there in spirit. The last thing I chose was the Prayer Shawl that the local Prayer Shawl ministry had made for me. I wore it on the way to and from my appointment, and even used it as a blanket while I was receiving treatment. It was made with love and prayers...and I feel great comfort when wearing it.
The first thing that happened, is that I had tubing connected to my implanted power port. The external connection looked like a button with a very slender and short needle attached to the bottom middle of it. I barely felt the poke. It was taped down and then I had blood work done (red blood and iron counts are down/very low. Red blood count was 10 and Iron should be between 49 - 150, and mine is 19 so I guess I'm anemic. Oh well. Iron supplements and Cream of Wheat here I come. *smile). After that, David and I met with my Infusion Nurse whose name was Deanna...Dee for short. Gotta love that! Family friends happened to be in the oncology office at the same time that we were, so after a short visit with them, I was taken in to get started with treatment.
The chairs were comfortable...recliners, actually :-) The first thing that happened, was someone took my lunch order. Egg salad, apple sauce, cookies and water. After that, an anti-nausea drug was administered through my port. Next came the Adriamycin, which was a "push." Dee pushed the drug into my port manually, because it needed to go in at a specific rate. The thingy she used looked like a cross between a giant syringe and a turkey baster. After two syringes of that drug were administered, the second chemo drug was hooked up on a pole and to my port. That's when I got tired and took a nap, covered up with my prayer shawl.
Afterwards, I felt pretty good; a little woozy, but not bad. I was expecting to get sick but that hasn't happened yet. I'm not counting any chickens. When we got home, we went to the pharmacy where I had 3 anti-nausea prescriptions waiting. One I take every 6 hours as needed, another is twice a day, and still another is once a day for 2 days. Grsh! It's a lot to remember...for me, at least. The final thing I have to do this week is get my Neulasta shot and that will be at 3:30 today. This shot is going to force my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells (leukocytes) to help fight off infections. Oh yea...I also got a flu shot yesterday. My very first :-) It makes me feel good and less worried about catching the flu. As far as the Neulasta shot goes, I am hoping for the best as far as side effects. I've heard some people have absolutely no trouble, and I've heard that some people experience great pain for a few days. Wait and see. With God's grace, I am hoping for the best. My next chemo is scheduled for October 22. It's a wonderful day, isn't it? Definitely a Happy Friday. Blessings!
Monday I saw my surgeon in Two Harbors, and that went well. Serumen had decreased by 50% from the previous week. I see him again next Monday and there's every possibility that it will be for the last time. Tuesday I was in Duluth for a MUGA scan (Multiple Gated Acquisition Scan) which measures the strength/health of the left ventricle. Because one of my chemo drugs (Adriamycin) can be toxic to the heart muscle and lead to heart failure, my oncologist wanted to make sure that my heart was strong enough to withstand treatment. I'm not sure what the numbers scale is all about, but I needed to have a score of 50 and ended up with a 67. I guess I passed, eh? :-) That test was no biggie. They withdrew some blood, mixed it with a radioactive medium of some sort, then reinjected that and did the scan. It was similar to the bone scan I'd already had. Wednesday I went to see my PA because of the severe pain I was experiencing in my right shoulder and through my right chest area. I wanted to make sure that whatever was causing the pain would not delay my chemo. It turns out that I have bursitis. Okay, that's manageable. I can, however, only take tylenol for that pain.
Yesterday I had my first chemo. Needless to say, I got very little sleep Wednesday night. I was really scared and so when I dressed for the big day, I dressed with purpose. Basic jeans, a white spaghetti strap tank to make access to my port easier, and then my Grandma Woelfel's red blouse. I figured that way I would have Grandma with me physically, even though I knew she was there in spirit. The last thing I chose was the Prayer Shawl that the local Prayer Shawl ministry had made for me. I wore it on the way to and from my appointment, and even used it as a blanket while I was receiving treatment. It was made with love and prayers...and I feel great comfort when wearing it.
The first thing that happened, is that I had tubing connected to my implanted power port. The external connection looked like a button with a very slender and short needle attached to the bottom middle of it. I barely felt the poke. It was taped down and then I had blood work done (red blood and iron counts are down/very low. Red blood count was 10 and Iron should be between 49 - 150, and mine is 19 so I guess I'm anemic. Oh well. Iron supplements and Cream of Wheat here I come. *smile). After that, David and I met with my Infusion Nurse whose name was Deanna...Dee for short. Gotta love that! Family friends happened to be in the oncology office at the same time that we were, so after a short visit with them, I was taken in to get started with treatment.
The chairs were comfortable...recliners, actually :-) The first thing that happened, was someone took my lunch order. Egg salad, apple sauce, cookies and water. After that, an anti-nausea drug was administered through my port. Next came the Adriamycin, which was a "push." Dee pushed the drug into my port manually, because it needed to go in at a specific rate. The thingy she used looked like a cross between a giant syringe and a turkey baster. After two syringes of that drug were administered, the second chemo drug was hooked up on a pole and to my port. That's when I got tired and took a nap, covered up with my prayer shawl.
Afterwards, I felt pretty good; a little woozy, but not bad. I was expecting to get sick but that hasn't happened yet. I'm not counting any chickens. When we got home, we went to the pharmacy where I had 3 anti-nausea prescriptions waiting. One I take every 6 hours as needed, another is twice a day, and still another is once a day for 2 days. Grsh! It's a lot to remember...for me, at least. The final thing I have to do this week is get my Neulasta shot and that will be at 3:30 today. This shot is going to force my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells (leukocytes) to help fight off infections. Oh yea...I also got a flu shot yesterday. My very first :-) It makes me feel good and less worried about catching the flu. As far as the Neulasta shot goes, I am hoping for the best as far as side effects. I've heard some people have absolutely no trouble, and I've heard that some people experience great pain for a few days. Wait and see. With God's grace, I am hoping for the best. My next chemo is scheduled for October 22. It's a wonderful day, isn't it? Definitely a Happy Friday. Blessings!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Getting Ready
for a busy week. I suspect I'm getting pleurisy, but not sure. Whatever is causing the pain in my right chest (an 8 on a scale of 1 - 10) needs to be taken care of ASAP. I don't want anything to interfere with my treatments this week. I am praying very hard for healing. I'm looking forward to the "doing" as opposed to waiting. I'm looking forward to the "knowing;" knowing how I am going to react and respond to chemo...the side effects etc., and knowing how I am going to react to the Neulasta shots that I will be receiving the day following chemo. I have heard that the staff in the Infusion Center (the actual place where chemo is administered) are amazingly kind and supportive. One of the nurses at the Vet's Home where David works, actually used to work there. We had a really great conversation about what I can expect etc., such as how things will actually be hooked up to my Power Port. The more you know the less you have to fear, right?
We had a family meeting today, to make sure the kids had all of the information they needed, to answer any questions they had, to address their fears, and to hopefully re-establish a sense of order in the family. Kirstin seemed "cool" with everything. Chelsea wanted to know how long I would have to have chemo, Ben needed his boundaries more clearly defined, and Becca needed to know that I'm not planning on dying. That is her big fear at this point. David told her that he's afraid of that, too, and that it was okay for her to be afraid; that it was normal. I assured Becca that everyone I've heard of that has had my type and stage of cancer, has survived for many years afterwards. We also impressed upon them the need to do their chores, and to do them properly; a clean house is a healthy house, and that once I start chemo, I will be especially vulnerable to contagion...that I will get sick a lot easier than I do right now. We also talked about the effect this all has had on David so that the kids realized that All of us are in the same boat, and share many if not all of the same fears, concerns, dreams, and hopes. It's good to get everything out and the kids are all old enough to understand most of what we had to say.
In other, happy, and non-cancer news? Last Friday was our kids' Homecoming. Chelsea attended with her friend, and Kirstin went with Steve. These photos make me happy:
Blessings!
We had a family meeting today, to make sure the kids had all of the information they needed, to answer any questions they had, to address their fears, and to hopefully re-establish a sense of order in the family. Kirstin seemed "cool" with everything. Chelsea wanted to know how long I would have to have chemo, Ben needed his boundaries more clearly defined, and Becca needed to know that I'm not planning on dying. That is her big fear at this point. David told her that he's afraid of that, too, and that it was okay for her to be afraid; that it was normal. I assured Becca that everyone I've heard of that has had my type and stage of cancer, has survived for many years afterwards. We also impressed upon them the need to do their chores, and to do them properly; a clean house is a healthy house, and that once I start chemo, I will be especially vulnerable to contagion...that I will get sick a lot easier than I do right now. We also talked about the effect this all has had on David so that the kids realized that All of us are in the same boat, and share many if not all of the same fears, concerns, dreams, and hopes. It's good to get everything out and the kids are all old enough to understand most of what we had to say.
In other, happy, and non-cancer news? Last Friday was our kids' Homecoming. Chelsea attended with her friend, and Kirstin went with Steve. These photos make me happy:
Blessings!Saturday, October 3, 2009
A Blustery Day and Magic
My kids had a book, when they were little, with such a title or at least one similar, and from what I've seen of today, it is indeed a blustery day. Once again, it's windy, wet, and kind of cool. It seems that just as the autumn leaves reach a state of great beauty, the winds kick up and blow all of the changing leaves to the ground. It's sad, in a way, until you realize that there are still more beautiful leaves clinging to the trees, even though you know that these, too, will one day either be blown away with great force, or fall gently to the ground. Interesting how things kind of overlap, give and take, ebb and flow. While the last trees are shedding the last of their autum finery, nature continues to change in other ways. The days get colder, and the first frosts cover the fallen leaves. Okay, they cover everything and if you happen to be running a little bit late for work, you end up being later still because you have to scrape your car's windshield. But still, there's beauty in the frost. We have to be a little more careful when we walk, or drive, or do anything outside, and we probably have to turn our house thermostats up a bit to accomodate the cold; it's just something we do. Before you know it, the first snow arrives...that magical, amazing, first snow. The kind that sends school children running to the windows of their classrooms so they can gaze in awe at the tumbling, blowing, first real sign of winter. And if they're lucky enough, there might be just enough snow on the ground before recess to go out and make snow angels. Even if there's not enough snow on the ground, someone will invariably still try to make a snow angel, or a mud-snow angel. An adult may very well scold such a child for getting so dirty because many adults, unlike children, have forgotten how to believe; how to see the magic in the world around them. I'm generalizing here, but I believe that adults tend to see the dangers and hazards, while children tend to see the fun and the beauty. I think that much like personal opinions and values, the truth lies somewhere in between or is a combination of both. There is magic in the world, but there are also lessons to be learned.
"To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven."
Much like very dear friends of mine, I think I realize, now, that I've had a beautiful and magical life. I've been blessed with amazing family and friends, with faith, and great love. I have definitely learned much along the way. It may sound strange, but in a very real way my cancer is a blessing. Through having it I have received the gifts of kindness, caring, and prayers from people (countless numbers that I don't even know) across the country. Just like my friends believe, I know that this is my season, and that this is my time and for this purpose. God's will be done. Blessings!
"To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven."
Much like very dear friends of mine, I think I realize, now, that I've had a beautiful and magical life. I've been blessed with amazing family and friends, with faith, and great love. I have definitely learned much along the way. It may sound strange, but in a very real way my cancer is a blessing. Through having it I have received the gifts of kindness, caring, and prayers from people (countless numbers that I don't even know) across the country. Just like my friends believe, I know that this is my season, and that this is my time and for this purpose. God's will be done. Blessings!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
October 1, Day's End
There are 28 minutes left of today...October 1, which is my parents' 51st wedding anniversary. It was exactly one year ago today, that my dad was last in the home he shared with my mom for nearly as many years. Today was also the day that I saw my oncologist, a Dr. Baker. I learned a lot from him, including a definitive stage of my cancer: IIIC. Because my cancer is IIIC (5 year survival rate of something like 30%), my chemo treatment is going to be very aggressive and will start next Thursday, October 8. I will go every 2 weeks for chemo for 8 weeks. The day after each treatment, I need to get a shot that will increase white blood cell production by my bone marrow. I am soooo hoping that I will be able to get that shot at our local clinic rather than drive all the way back down to Duluth to get it and then drive home again. Once the initial chemo cycle is complete, "they" will decide whether or not I need to have chemo every 1, 2, or 3 weeks. I can expect to be bald by Halloween, and to be having chemo for the rest of the year and into 2010. I'm so glad I have enough hats that I can wear a different one for every day of the week :-)
Each chemo treatment, after the initial one at least, will take between 3 - 4 hours and will be administered through a port I had surgically implanted just above my left collar bone when I had my double mastectomy. The guitar pick shaped port has a catheter that is threaded into one of the veins leading to my heart in order to provide for the most effective and efficient distribution of the chemo drugs which are AC...not quite sure what they stand for, but I'll find out. Providing chemo through this port will eliminate the need to use an IV every time which is a good thing.
There's the technical stuff. Emotionally and personally...I'm kind of on one of those low parts of the roller coaster. Reality of the seriousness of this disease...my disease has set in. I try really hard to stay positive, especially for the kids, but in my heart of hearts, I sometimes worry that I won't be around to see Becca grow up, to see my girls happily married, to hold my first grandchild. It's kind of hard to push those feelings and thoughts to the back of my mind where they belong. Oddly enough, I was much better at dealing with everything that went along with learning about and dealing with my kids issues...Ben's autism and adhd, Kirstin and Becca's asthma, Kirstin's surgery, Chelsea's anxiety and autoimmune disease. It was a lot easier, I think, (and maybe I'm just seeing the past through rose colored glasses; I don't know) to live those days one at a time, or even one moment at a time that it is to deal with my own disease. I wonder why? Am I being selfish? I don't know and right now, I'm so tired, I really can't put any more effort into thinking about it. Good night, everyone, and Happy October 2...in 13 minutes. Blessings!
Each chemo treatment, after the initial one at least, will take between 3 - 4 hours and will be administered through a port I had surgically implanted just above my left collar bone when I had my double mastectomy. The guitar pick shaped port has a catheter that is threaded into one of the veins leading to my heart in order to provide for the most effective and efficient distribution of the chemo drugs which are AC...not quite sure what they stand for, but I'll find out. Providing chemo through this port will eliminate the need to use an IV every time which is a good thing.
There's the technical stuff. Emotionally and personally...I'm kind of on one of those low parts of the roller coaster. Reality of the seriousness of this disease...my disease has set in. I try really hard to stay positive, especially for the kids, but in my heart of hearts, I sometimes worry that I won't be around to see Becca grow up, to see my girls happily married, to hold my first grandchild. It's kind of hard to push those feelings and thoughts to the back of my mind where they belong. Oddly enough, I was much better at dealing with everything that went along with learning about and dealing with my kids issues...Ben's autism and adhd, Kirstin and Becca's asthma, Kirstin's surgery, Chelsea's anxiety and autoimmune disease. It was a lot easier, I think, (and maybe I'm just seeing the past through rose colored glasses; I don't know) to live those days one at a time, or even one moment at a time that it is to deal with my own disease. I wonder why? Am I being selfish? I don't know and right now, I'm so tired, I really can't put any more effort into thinking about it. Good night, everyone, and Happy October 2...in 13 minutes. Blessings!
Good Morning October
So...maybe it's not really a "good" morning, but it's better than last night...or was that this morning? Once again, I ended up crying my eyes out...feeling guilty that I'm being such a burden to my family, being sick, causing great financial hardship (not just with my medical bills, but with getting behind on other bills). I didn't sleep much, or well. Becca wanted to be woken up at 4:00 and I promised her that I would make sure of that. I didn't fall asleep until after 3:00, and didn't wake up until 6:00. I saw Chelsea long enough to give her hugs, admire her "nerd" outfit, and tell her to have a good day; same with Kirstin and Becca. (It's Homecoming week at school, and today is Nerd Day.) I feel guilty because I know how much stress David is under, and I'm just making it worse. Logically I know there's nothing I can do about it. Logically I know I'm a lot like my mom; type A personality + worry wart. I'm the wife and mom. I'm the one who's supposed to be able to fix things. I'm not the one who's supposed to need fixing. I'm not the one who's supposed to rely on other people. I'm the one other people are supposed to be able to rely on. I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it's okay to need other people, to ask and receive help, to not have to feel that I have to be "strong." I don't know how long I cried for...seemed like hours again. But my dearest husband said some things...he said a lot of things that made me feel better, including assuming partial responsibility for some of the areas in which I feel like I've totally failed. He said that I am the glue that holds our family together (very sweet). He said, again, that we need to "fight this thing;" this rollercoaster ride was just getting started, and it was normal and expected to have bad days as well as good days.
I guess the only thing I am certain of right now, is that today is a new day and we have to take it one hour at a time, or even one second at a time. We'll get through it and move into tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what the oncologist says today. I'll post more later on that. Blessings!
I guess the only thing I am certain of right now, is that today is a new day and we have to take it one hour at a time, or even one second at a time. We'll get through it and move into tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what the oncologist says today. I'll post more later on that. Blessings!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
One down, One to go
One down...the radiologist yesterday, and one to go...the oncologist tomorrow. The radiologist appointment was interesting. I learned more about my cancer, for one thing. The cancer had broken through the ducts and had started to spread so it's really good that we caught it when we did. During surgery, almost 40 lymph nodes were removed from the right axial area, 17 from the left axial, and another 9 from behind the chest wall on the right, going up towards my neck. All but one of the right axial and chest wall nodes tested positive. I believe I already mentioned that, but what was "new" news, is that one of the chest wall nodes they removed was up by my neck, and that one had also tested positive. What this means as far as radiation, is that not only are my chest and axial areas going to be treated, they're also going to treat my neck.
Radiation will start a month after my last chemo treatment, and will be 5 days/week for 6.5 weeks. Kind of cool that I will be laying on an air pillow formed to my shape (okay, it only makes sense, eh? That way I won't be rolling around during treatment), and the machine will move around me. Each treatment will last for 15 minutes. So...for 6.5 weeks, I "get to" drive down to Duluth 5 days a week for a 15 minute appointment and then drive back home. Evidently, burning depends on how well a person normally does outside in the sun. I burn fairly easily (not as easily as some, though), so I can expect to have "sunburn" during/after treatment. I will be given different gels and cold packs to use on the burns. In addition, I was told that using a mixture of 50% water and 50% hydrogen peroxide on soft towels will help with burning, and cornstarch in the axial areas will help prevent pain of chafing etc.
One happy thing from yesterday's appointment is that I will be provided with a wig of my choosing at no cost, from the center's wig shop. I have decided to take my girls with when I pick out a wig, and they're the ones who will make the final decision. I just hope they don't decide to give me a purple mullet. Now that would not be a happy thing, eh? Funny, though :-) Blessings!
Radiation will start a month after my last chemo treatment, and will be 5 days/week for 6.5 weeks. Kind of cool that I will be laying on an air pillow formed to my shape (okay, it only makes sense, eh? That way I won't be rolling around during treatment), and the machine will move around me. Each treatment will last for 15 minutes. So...for 6.5 weeks, I "get to" drive down to Duluth 5 days a week for a 15 minute appointment and then drive back home. Evidently, burning depends on how well a person normally does outside in the sun. I burn fairly easily (not as easily as some, though), so I can expect to have "sunburn" during/after treatment. I will be given different gels and cold packs to use on the burns. In addition, I was told that using a mixture of 50% water and 50% hydrogen peroxide on soft towels will help with burning, and cornstarch in the axial areas will help prevent pain of chafing etc.
One happy thing from yesterday's appointment is that I will be provided with a wig of my choosing at no cost, from the center's wig shop. I have decided to take my girls with when I pick out a wig, and they're the ones who will make the final decision. I just hope they don't decide to give me a purple mullet. Now that would not be a happy thing, eh? Funny, though :-) Blessings!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Ups and Downs and In Betweens
Since my last post there've been some ups and downs and...yea. I actually got out of the house for a while, one day, and it wasn't for a doctor's appointment. Yay! We went out to drop off a load of junk, then went to the grocery store, the Vet's Home so I could see my dad, and then to the pharmacy so I could pick up a new prescription. After that, I sat outside in the screen house and wrote out some thank you notes. (If you haven't received your Thank You note, yet, I apologize. I left the notes in the middle of the table in the screen house, and unfortunately...Gidget ate them so I have to start all over.) Pretty innocuous, all in all...but for me, it was a truly amazing day! I felt almost normal. Part of that was, I think, because I'd gotten 2 drains removed. Yippee! I only felt like half a cyborg, then. I had the last two drains removed this past Monday. One of them was becoming infected, and the stitches were breaking through the skin, so it was one of those "calls" where my surgeon decided to take the last two drains out. By Wednesday, I noticed a lot of swelling and noises that shouldn't have been there. I looked like I still had breasts...except they were coming out of my sides; very odd, and very awkward. I tried sleeping sitting up, hoping that would bring some of the swelling down, but it didn't. I ended up calling my surgeon and went in for an office visit (down to Duluth) today. He was a bit shocked at how much fluid (serumen) had accumulated just in the last 4 days. He did a needle aspiration (trust me, it wasn't bad at all. I'm still so totally numb that I didn't feel a thing) on both sides and removed a total of 410 cc or something like 13 ounces. When it comes to drains and their removal, he said you're basically danged if you do, and danged if you don't. Any time you have drainage tubes in, you run the risk of infection. Taking them out too soon can result in the build up of serumen. I have my regularly scheduled appointment with my surgeon on Monday. Hopefully, the internal drainage (for lack of a better term) will be substantially less than it was today. I'm praying really hard for that to happen. One thing he did tell me, is to not use my arms. Knitting, typing...that sort of thing is fine. But moving my arms around is what causes whatever to release serumen. My body needs to realize that whatever there was before that needed all of that, is no longer there and so...enough, already!
As for the rest...I'm feeling pretty useless. I can't move my arms much, but I can drive (yay!), as long as I don't take any pain pills etc. This is good because I have three appointments next week. The surgeon on Monday, Radiologist on Tuesday, and Oncologist on Thursday. These last two appointments are consultations, only. I won't be able to start any chemo or radiation until there's no more drainage and who knows how long that will be? I'll be driving myself to these appointments, so I'm going to try not to sleep so much the next couple of days.
I think part of the reason that I sleep so much is because I'm (like I said) feeling pretty useless, and because I'm bored. Even knitting doesn't hold or capture my interest like it normally does. So, yes, I have several chemo caps that some wonderful friends made for me, I have one that I've made, two that I've made but still need to be felted, and another that I've made but needs to be finished. Maybe that's what I'll do tomorrow. Who knows? I'm also working on a sort of shawl. It's a shawl pattern, but I'm using really big needles and very fine wool. The idea is that I'll be able to wear it much like a long cowl; hopefully somewhat disguising. I've looked at a lot of post-mastectomy "fashions" (notice how I placed fashions in " " ? There's a reason for that.) One style that I saw had a chest full of horizontal ruffles. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am definitely NOT a ruffly kind of person...unless, perhaps, the ruffles come in camouflage. Blessings!
As for the rest...I'm feeling pretty useless. I can't move my arms much, but I can drive (yay!), as long as I don't take any pain pills etc. This is good because I have three appointments next week. The surgeon on Monday, Radiologist on Tuesday, and Oncologist on Thursday. These last two appointments are consultations, only. I won't be able to start any chemo or radiation until there's no more drainage and who knows how long that will be? I'll be driving myself to these appointments, so I'm going to try not to sleep so much the next couple of days.
I think part of the reason that I sleep so much is because I'm (like I said) feeling pretty useless, and because I'm bored. Even knitting doesn't hold or capture my interest like it normally does. So, yes, I have several chemo caps that some wonderful friends made for me, I have one that I've made, two that I've made but still need to be felted, and another that I've made but needs to be finished. Maybe that's what I'll do tomorrow. Who knows? I'm also working on a sort of shawl. It's a shawl pattern, but I'm using really big needles and very fine wool. The idea is that I'll be able to wear it much like a long cowl; hopefully somewhat disguising. I've looked at a lot of post-mastectomy "fashions" (notice how I placed fashions in " " ? There's a reason for that.) One style that I saw had a chest full of horizontal ruffles. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am definitely NOT a ruffly kind of person...unless, perhaps, the ruffles come in camouflage. Blessings!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I Did a "doh doh"
Yep...I drove Chelsea to school this morning. Not only that, but I drove on Monday, too (just uptown to the bank drive through and then home again). Maybe I'm pushing it, maybe not. I think that as long as I don't take a pain pill before hand, I should be okay...even if driving makes my arms and chest hurt, and getting in and out of the car is a chore in itself. mmm Okay...having just typed that, I do believe that driving is not a good idea right now.
This morning, I finished loading the dishwasher and got it started. Yay! The kids, to be honest, have been slacking a bit in their responsibilities ever since I started looking more "normal." Loading the washer wasn't so bad, but we have a really big box of Cascade that is rather awkward to manipulate, and weighs more than I should probably be lifting right now. Okay, I'm really not supposed to be lifting much of anything, per Doctor's orders "no lifting with arm of affected side." Yup...I have two sides involved, which equals two arms...I wonder if I can lift with my toes and feet?
In other news, I was really sick the night before last, and yesterday with a fever of 102. Whatever I had, David caught, too...high fever etc. so he slept pretty much all of yesterday, poor guy. Oh...and I found out something interesting this morning, after I did a little research on the internet. The 2nd type of cancer that was found in my left breast...the tubular carcinoma? It's very rare, accounting for only 2% of all breast cancers, and it's often found in conjunction with another and more common type. The more you learn, the less you have to fear, right? I remember when my mom was dx'd with MS, and I was really, really upset. The first thing I did was to learn everything I could about it etc. Afterwards...I felt better. It's been the same ever since, with every challenge our family has had to face.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said "Fear always springs from ignorance." Blessings!
This morning, I finished loading the dishwasher and got it started. Yay! The kids, to be honest, have been slacking a bit in their responsibilities ever since I started looking more "normal." Loading the washer wasn't so bad, but we have a really big box of Cascade that is rather awkward to manipulate, and weighs more than I should probably be lifting right now. Okay, I'm really not supposed to be lifting much of anything, per Doctor's orders "no lifting with arm of affected side." Yup...I have two sides involved, which equals two arms...I wonder if I can lift with my toes and feet?
In other news, I was really sick the night before last, and yesterday with a fever of 102. Whatever I had, David caught, too...high fever etc. so he slept pretty much all of yesterday, poor guy. Oh...and I found out something interesting this morning, after I did a little research on the internet. The 2nd type of cancer that was found in my left breast...the tubular carcinoma? It's very rare, accounting for only 2% of all breast cancers, and it's often found in conjunction with another and more common type. The more you learn, the less you have to fear, right? I remember when my mom was dx'd with MS, and I was really, really upset. The first thing I did was to learn everything I could about it etc. Afterwards...I felt better. It's been the same ever since, with every challenge our family has had to face.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said "Fear always springs from ignorance." Blessings!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I'm Fine
According to Mirriam-Webster, one of the definitions of "fine" is "very well" . I'm sure if I looked into the definition further, I would find one that is more "definitive" of how I use it. When people ask me how I'm doing, I usually say, "I'm fine." Generally, that's not the case, of course, but really...who wants to hear a potentially long and drawn out explaination of how I'm really feeling? Someone asked me that today, and I said "I'm fine." Reality, is that in addition to being "diseased" as David calls it, it seems that I also have the flu. I had a temp last night of 102, and was tired, nauseous, and in pain today. I slept most of the day.
How are you doing? I'm fine. But really, I worry about paying bills, how we're going to be able to make ends meet, how my cancer is changing us now and what long-term impact it will have on the family; making sure that the kids have everything they need. I worry about my mom who in addition to worrying about me, also has my dad and everything that entails to deal with. I worry and fret about not being able to get to church, or down to the Vet's Home to see my dad and other residents who love to receive visits from the rabbits that I used to bring down a couple of times a week. But...I've been warned to stay away from crowded places; those places where germs and viruses are most likely to be making their happy rounds, and those places include the school, church, and the Vet's Home. I am so grateful that Fr. Frank has been to my house twice, so far, to give me communion. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that much, at least, to look forward to.
The bottom line? I'm really not fine...but I'm doing as well as I can. Blessings!
How are you doing? I'm fine. But really, I worry about paying bills, how we're going to be able to make ends meet, how my cancer is changing us now and what long-term impact it will have on the family; making sure that the kids have everything they need. I worry about my mom who in addition to worrying about me, also has my dad and everything that entails to deal with. I worry and fret about not being able to get to church, or down to the Vet's Home to see my dad and other residents who love to receive visits from the rabbits that I used to bring down a couple of times a week. But...I've been warned to stay away from crowded places; those places where germs and viruses are most likely to be making their happy rounds, and those places include the school, church, and the Vet's Home. I am so grateful that Fr. Frank has been to my house twice, so far, to give me communion. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that much, at least, to look forward to.
The bottom line? I'm really not fine...but I'm doing as well as I can. Blessings!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Post Surgery Pathology Report
I wasn't 100% certain that basically electing to have the left breast removed was a good idea...until today when I received the post-surgery pathology report. According to my surgeon, the left breast had/was full of invasive ductal carcinoma in situ. In other words, the left breast was also full of cancer; just not as active as that in the right. It would have only been a matter of time before I would have had to have the second mastectomy. In addition, 37 out of 38 biopsied lymph nodes tested positive for cancer, and in another spot, 8 out of 9 tested positive. My cancer has been staged at IIIA or IIIB, both of which are curable.
I definitely over-did things yesterday, getting up at 5:00 a.m. and not going to sleep until after midnight. I was very tired, and very sore today. I ended up taking 4 pain pills, and 4 extra strength tylenol (total of 2000 mg) in order to get any relief. I also took a nap for about 3 hours, and later on dozed on the couch. I did take a bath and wash my hair, and wore real clothes (not jammies) for the first time since I had surgery. My choice of clothing is actually very comforting for a number of reasons. Firstly, the capris I am wearing are a bit large, but were too tight when I bought them four years ago. Second, I chose to wear a cardian inside-out so that I could just slip the drains inside the pockets. They're much more secure that way, they're off to the sides a bit, and I don't feel so misshapen while wearing it. The best thing about the cardigan? It used to belong to my Grandma Woelfel who passed away a few years ago. Way back when, and on this blog, I made a post about this particular sweater, and how whenever I wore it, I would be getting one of my grandma's amazing hugs. I love you, Grandma! Thank you for the hugs :-) Blessings!
I definitely over-did things yesterday, getting up at 5:00 a.m. and not going to sleep until after midnight. I was very tired, and very sore today. I ended up taking 4 pain pills, and 4 extra strength tylenol (total of 2000 mg) in order to get any relief. I also took a nap for about 3 hours, and later on dozed on the couch. I did take a bath and wash my hair, and wore real clothes (not jammies) for the first time since I had surgery. My choice of clothing is actually very comforting for a number of reasons. Firstly, the capris I am wearing are a bit large, but were too tight when I bought them four years ago. Second, I chose to wear a cardian inside-out so that I could just slip the drains inside the pockets. They're much more secure that way, they're off to the sides a bit, and I don't feel so misshapen while wearing it. The best thing about the cardigan? It used to belong to my Grandma Woelfel who passed away a few years ago. Way back when, and on this blog, I made a post about this particular sweater, and how whenever I wore it, I would be getting one of my grandma's amazing hugs. I love you, Grandma! Thank you for the hugs :-) Blessings!
Friday, September 4, 2009
I'm Home and Recovering
So, I had surgery on Monday, August 31; one radical mastectomy and 1 simple mastectomy. I don't remember anything about Monday, or Tuesday, really, except that I had to walk a little bit and Fr. Frank stopped by to see me. Wednesday a.m. I asked when I could go home. A few minutes later I was told I could leave that day so I called David and told him to come and pick me up. Since then, I've been mostly resting. David, bless his heart, has been tending to all of my needs...pain pills (the number of pills he gives me is based on how great the pain is), my anti anxiety and anti depressents, and my drains. The drains are a pita; two tubes coming out of each surical site, ending in what appear to be clear blood pressure bulb type thingies. He charts everything, and I'm sure the surgon, when we see him on the 14th will be glad for that. There are things I want to say, but I'm just too tired. I will leave it at that. Blessings!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
26 Hours, 24 Minutes
What a gorgeous day! It's sunny and 52 degrees outside. I so love sunny days! I've folded a couple of loads of laundry, and I'm having my second cup of coffee. Life is good! I've decided to make the most of today. I'm going to run up town, shortly, and pick up a few things...make a few meals, or at least plan easy ones, that Chelsea can cook or throw in the crock pot while I'm gone. I will get bills in the mail, and finish cleaning up the house. I have decided that there are some positives in what we're all going through right now. I'm not quite sure what they are, but I know they are there. I just have to figure it out. In a weird way, I'm actually kind of looking forward to seeing how my hair grows back after chemo. I'm half hoping for black and curly, myself. I was born with black hair, so...it's not a total impossibility, eh? :-) I am NOT looking forward to the post-surgery drains etc. Ewwwww! I am also wondering what the results of the CT and bone scans will show. My right shoulder has been really sore, front and back, and all the way down to the elbow, for a long time. I'm thinking that maybe it's because of the lymph node involvement, but not sure.
Okay, I'm back. I bet you didn't even know I was gone. I went up town, and bought beef and pork roasts, chicken, hot dogs, baked beans, veggies, butter etc. Gotta love the crock pot! Today, I'm going to make the beef roast so that tomorrow, any left-overs can be used for BBQ; again, in the crock pot. Wait a minute. Ben's home today, so there probably won't be any left overs *smile.
In other news, I'm still losing weight...30# so far. I'm not sure why that is, but hey...I'll take weight loss in any form. It feels strange that all of my pants, even those with elastic waists, are loose fitting. I'm very glad that my mom is a magician with a sewing machine and serger, and that I might be able to ask her to take a few things in. One of the blessings (the many blessings) of being my mom's daughter.
We're now down to 25 hours and 43 minutes. Pretty wild to think about. I have to be at the hospital at 10:00 tomorrow, surgery is at noon, and then...I guess it will be over, eh? To anyone reading this...have a gorgeous and wonderful day! Life is good...even when it isn't. Blessings!
Okay, I'm back. I bet you didn't even know I was gone. I went up town, and bought beef and pork roasts, chicken, hot dogs, baked beans, veggies, butter etc. Gotta love the crock pot! Today, I'm going to make the beef roast so that tomorrow, any left-overs can be used for BBQ; again, in the crock pot. Wait a minute. Ben's home today, so there probably won't be any left overs *smile.
In other news, I'm still losing weight...30# so far. I'm not sure why that is, but hey...I'll take weight loss in any form. It feels strange that all of my pants, even those with elastic waists, are loose fitting. I'm very glad that my mom is a magician with a sewing machine and serger, and that I might be able to ask her to take a few things in. One of the blessings (the many blessings) of being my mom's daughter.
We're now down to 25 hours and 43 minutes. Pretty wild to think about. I have to be at the hospital at 10:00 tomorrow, surgery is at noon, and then...I guess it will be over, eh? To anyone reading this...have a gorgeous and wonderful day! Life is good...even when it isn't. Blessings!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
39 Hours, 24 Minutes
But who's counting?
I played around a little bit in Paint Shop Pro XI earlier today, because I couldn't put words to what I was feeling. Sometimes when that happens, I will get an image in my head. The image I had today was wreckage. I feel like I'm Humpty Dumpty. Heaven knows I'm really good at shutting down and tuning out. In fact, I'm quite the expert. This is one of those times, however, when there's no denying or running from reality. I will be a different person on Monday, physically at least. I think I can compare it to when your hair turns gray...except it's on a larger scale. There's a permanent change (and yes, I realize that gray hair doesn't need to always be gray...I've had semi-regular appointments with Miss Clairol for years *smile), but I've heard that it's one you get used to. It's better than the alternative, right?
Tomorrow, will hopefully be a good day. I plan on getting up early, getting some housework done, and then going to church at the Vet's Home with my parents. After that, I need to get some things around the house settled/arranged. I don't want to leave my family in the lurch while I'm laid up, although I know very well that they're more than capable of handling things. I'm just not as important, in that way, as I sometimes like to think that I am. Blessings!
I played around a little bit in Paint Shop Pro XI earlier today, because I couldn't put words to what I was feeling. Sometimes when that happens, I will get an image in my head. The image I had today was wreckage. I feel like I'm Humpty Dumpty. Heaven knows I'm really good at shutting down and tuning out. In fact, I'm quite the expert. This is one of those times, however, when there's no denying or running from reality. I will be a different person on Monday, physically at least. I think I can compare it to when your hair turns gray...except it's on a larger scale. There's a permanent change (and yes, I realize that gray hair doesn't need to always be gray...I've had semi-regular appointments with Miss Clairol for years *smile), but I've heard that it's one you get used to. It's better than the alternative, right?
Tomorrow, will hopefully be a good day. I plan on getting up early, getting some housework done, and then going to church at the Vet's Home with my parents. After that, I need to get some things around the house settled/arranged. I don't want to leave my family in the lurch while I'm laid up, although I know very well that they're more than capable of handling things. I'm just not as important, in that way, as I sometimes like to think that I am. Blessings!
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