Good Morning October

So...maybe it's not really a "good" morning, but it's better than last night...or was that this morning? Once again, I ended up crying my eyes out...feeling guilty that I'm being such a burden to my family, being sick, causing great financial hardship (not just with my medical bills, but with getting behind on other bills). I didn't sleep much, or well. Becca wanted to be woken up at 4:00 and I promised her that I would make sure of that. I didn't fall asleep until after 3:00, and didn't wake up until 6:00. I saw Chelsea long enough to give her hugs, admire her "nerd" outfit, and tell her to have a good day; same with Kirstin and Becca. (It's Homecoming week at school, and today is Nerd Day.) I feel guilty because I know how much stress David is under, and I'm just making it worse. Logically I know there's nothing I can do about it. Logically I know I'm a lot like my mom; type A personality + worry wart. I'm the wife and mom. I'm the one who's supposed to be able to fix things. I'm not the one who's supposed to need fixing. I'm not the one who's supposed to rely on other people. I'm the one other people are supposed to be able to rely on. I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it's okay to need other people, to ask and receive help, to not have to feel that I have to be "strong." I don't know how long I cried for...seemed like hours again. But my dearest husband said some things...he said a lot of things that made me feel better, including assuming partial responsibility for some of the areas in which I feel like I've totally failed. He said that I am the glue that holds our family together (very sweet). He said, again, that we need to "fight this thing;" this rollercoaster ride was just getting started, and it was normal and expected to have bad days as well as good days.

I guess the only thing I am certain of right now, is that today is a new day and we have to take it one hour at a time, or even one second at a time. We'll get through it and move into tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what the oncologist says today. I'll post more later on that. Blessings!