To anyone reading this, I've been writing on a different site...a Caring Bridge site. So if you'd like to know what's been going on with the whole cancer thing etc., you can hop over there and find out :-)
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/frerickslarson
Blessings, love, and light!
Dee
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Body Image; maybe TMI
I've been pretty ill for the past few days and so haven't posted. Earlier today, however, I was thinking about how most, if not all, of this blog has been devoted to feelings, appointments, test results etc. It does not address one of my worst fears, upon learning that I have breast cancer, and that is: "What will I look like after I have the mastectomies?"
I spent some time on the internet looking up images of women who had mastectomies. I didn't come up with a whole lot, but what I saw was encouraging enough; not too bad looking. Where there had once been breasts, there were neat crescent moon shaped scars. Some were not so pretty, but I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I might look like post-surgery. I don't think I ever thought much about "Oh, without my breasts I'm not going to be "me" anymore!" or "My big boobs were the only thing balancing out my big tummy." It wasn't like that. I'm not sure how to describe it, but...maybe my thinking was more clinical. Removing my breasts was the best way to ensure that I could beat this thing...this cancer. Okay...let's get it done, eh?
Post-surgery...to be honest, I hardly remember a thing that first week. It was longer, yet, before I had the courage to check out my new chest. To begin with, I was all stapled and bandaged up. I felt like I had a tight bandage wrapped all the way around my chest. A couple of weeks later, when I was able to take my first real shower post-op, that's when I actually looked and understood what had happened. I used to have rather...chubbly underarms. My left one still is; they only removed 17 nodes from that one. The right, however, is now quite concave in appearance because they removed 39 nodes there. I also have a slight indentation just below my right collar bone, and next to the sternum, where they removed some nodes from behind my chest wall. My surgeon removed all of the breast tissue from both sides, but there was still some fat left over on my sides and so that...it still sticks out a bit. I'm thinking that maybe that might come in handy during reconstruction, if I do decide to go that route. Plus, when stapling the incisions, the skin flaps didn't line up properly, and so there is a lot of puckering and areas of seemingly random swelling. I guess the scar tissue I had on my breasts from before (bunny scratches and scars) got in the way of properly closing the incisions. Oh well. Each incision starts at my sternum, and ends just at the edge of my underarm. I've been pretty swollen up the last couple of days, due to being ill and in bed for most of the time, I'm sure, but I expect that to all go down soon. Oh yea. I also have a 3" diagonal scar at my left front shoulder through which my port was implanted. My entire surgical area is still numb, as is the bottom side of my left upper arm. My surgeon said feeling may or may not return to these areas. In order to get at the lymph nodes, he had to sever a lot of nerves. Every now and then, I feel twinges and "pings" as the nerves try to heal themselves. It's not terribly comfortable, really, but it's all part of the process.
Body image...no biggie. I think it's actually kind of nice that I no longer have to wear a bra :-) I wear camis, chemises, tank tops...anything that's non-binding. Because of the extensive lymph node removal, I run a 10% chance of ending up with lymphedema, or swelling in my arms and hands caused by my body's inability to move fluids through the lymphatic system. I've heard that lymphedema isn't much fun. So...I cannot wear any clothes that bind, no jewelry; I cannot carry my purse on my right arm, or have my blood pressure taken on that arm. I'm glad that I can still type and knit, though :-) Now I just have to lose some of this tummy to match my new and much more trim chest size *smile. Blessings!
I spent some time on the internet looking up images of women who had mastectomies. I didn't come up with a whole lot, but what I saw was encouraging enough; not too bad looking. Where there had once been breasts, there were neat crescent moon shaped scars. Some were not so pretty, but I thought I had a pretty good idea of what I might look like post-surgery. I don't think I ever thought much about "Oh, without my breasts I'm not going to be "me" anymore!" or "My big boobs were the only thing balancing out my big tummy." It wasn't like that. I'm not sure how to describe it, but...maybe my thinking was more clinical. Removing my breasts was the best way to ensure that I could beat this thing...this cancer. Okay...let's get it done, eh?
Post-surgery...to be honest, I hardly remember a thing that first week. It was longer, yet, before I had the courage to check out my new chest. To begin with, I was all stapled and bandaged up. I felt like I had a tight bandage wrapped all the way around my chest. A couple of weeks later, when I was able to take my first real shower post-op, that's when I actually looked and understood what had happened. I used to have rather...chubbly underarms. My left one still is; they only removed 17 nodes from that one. The right, however, is now quite concave in appearance because they removed 39 nodes there. I also have a slight indentation just below my right collar bone, and next to the sternum, where they removed some nodes from behind my chest wall. My surgeon removed all of the breast tissue from both sides, but there was still some fat left over on my sides and so that...it still sticks out a bit. I'm thinking that maybe that might come in handy during reconstruction, if I do decide to go that route. Plus, when stapling the incisions, the skin flaps didn't line up properly, and so there is a lot of puckering and areas of seemingly random swelling. I guess the scar tissue I had on my breasts from before (bunny scratches and scars) got in the way of properly closing the incisions. Oh well. Each incision starts at my sternum, and ends just at the edge of my underarm. I've been pretty swollen up the last couple of days, due to being ill and in bed for most of the time, I'm sure, but I expect that to all go down soon. Oh yea. I also have a 3" diagonal scar at my left front shoulder through which my port was implanted. My entire surgical area is still numb, as is the bottom side of my left upper arm. My surgeon said feeling may or may not return to these areas. In order to get at the lymph nodes, he had to sever a lot of nerves. Every now and then, I feel twinges and "pings" as the nerves try to heal themselves. It's not terribly comfortable, really, but it's all part of the process.
Body image...no biggie. I think it's actually kind of nice that I no longer have to wear a bra :-) I wear camis, chemises, tank tops...anything that's non-binding. Because of the extensive lymph node removal, I run a 10% chance of ending up with lymphedema, or swelling in my arms and hands caused by my body's inability to move fluids through the lymphatic system. I've heard that lymphedema isn't much fun. So...I cannot wear any clothes that bind, no jewelry; I cannot carry my purse on my right arm, or have my blood pressure taken on that arm. I'm glad that I can still type and knit, though :-) Now I just have to lose some of this tummy to match my new and much more trim chest size *smile. Blessings!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Not a Bad Day at All :-)
My day started at about 5:00 or so, when I got up and made David breakfast, his lunch (the usual PB & J), and a pot of coffee. Okay, so the breakfast was Cream of Wheat, but it made David happy which in turn made me happy. After David left for work, I took my meds and then went online to check my usual places; facebook and my on-line support group. Spent some nice time with the kids...hugs and cuddles with Chelsea and she read me a series of thoughts she'd written down (very creative!). Ben stopped to see me long enough to let me know he was heading for the woods (okay, be safe, have fun, be good). Becca showed me a cartoon she's been working on for quite a while, and then she let me read a story that she started writing last year. It's really a good story and I can't wait to see what happens next. It's a mystery, involving an abandoned house, a locked door at the top of some steps, and a silver key. By 8:30 or so, I was getting tired and so I laid down to rest. That's when the phone rang, and it was my wonderful oldest son calling from Orlando! He was calling to check on how I was doing, feeling etc. He wanted to know if I glowed in the dark. I had to laugh at that, seeing as how David once had me believing that I would glow in the dark following a test I had involving radioactivity. I told Robert, "No, the chemo isn't radioactive, it's just poison." We had a good laugh over that "just poison" and then went on to have a really great visit...15 to 20 minutes, I think :-) It was cut shorter than I would have hoped (dang, my call waiting), but as always, before I hung up I told him that I love him, and he said he loves me too. I'm sitting here smiling. Afterwards, I took a nap for a few hours. I was just so danged tired.
My oldest brother (who, by the way, says that Hair is vastly over-rated hahaha) is up for the weekend, and so we had a family work crew getting the garage and yard winterized. Thank you, Mom, Mike, David, Ben, and Steve! The garage scares me and so I generally stay out of there. It's supposed to be "Ben's Domain" in as far as keeping it clean etc., but...anyways. The Boat and wheeler are in the back yard, the van is parked at the side of the garage where it will stay for the winter, the car is in the driveway and there's even room in the garage now, if we need to move it in there. The fabric part of the screen house is put away, the tents, etc. All that is left to do, is to put away the garden gnomes...I think.
It's very often difficult to accept help, especially when you want so badly to reciprocate in some way but for one reason or another, are unsure or unable to. We thank God daily for the blessings of family, friends, and faith. Today really wasn't a bad day at all. I was tired and feeling a bit fragile...but really...'I will lift mine eyes to the Lord' ^^^Thank You!^^^ Blessings!
My oldest brother (who, by the way, says that Hair is vastly over-rated hahaha) is up for the weekend, and so we had a family work crew getting the garage and yard winterized. Thank you, Mom, Mike, David, Ben, and Steve! The garage scares me and so I generally stay out of there. It's supposed to be "Ben's Domain" in as far as keeping it clean etc., but...anyways. The Boat and wheeler are in the back yard, the van is parked at the side of the garage where it will stay for the winter, the car is in the driveway and there's even room in the garage now, if we need to move it in there. The fabric part of the screen house is put away, the tents, etc. All that is left to do, is to put away the garden gnomes...I think.
It's very often difficult to accept help, especially when you want so badly to reciprocate in some way but for one reason or another, are unsure or unable to. We thank God daily for the blessings of family, friends, and faith. Today really wasn't a bad day at all. I was tired and feeling a bit fragile...but really...'I will lift mine eyes to the Lord' ^^^Thank You!^^^ Blessings!
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