A Blustery Day and Magic

My kids had a book, when they were little, with such a title or at least one similar, and from what I've seen of today, it is indeed a blustery day. Once again, it's windy, wet, and kind of cool. It seems that just as the autumn leaves reach a state of great beauty, the winds kick up and blow all of the changing leaves to the ground. It's sad, in a way, until you realize that there are still more beautiful leaves clinging to the trees, even though you know that these, too, will one day either be blown away with great force, or fall gently to the ground. Interesting how things kind of overlap, give and take, ebb and flow. While the last trees are shedding the last of their autum finery, nature continues to change in other ways. The days get colder, and the first frosts cover the fallen leaves. Okay, they cover everything and if you happen to be running a little bit late for work, you end up being later still because you have to scrape your car's windshield. But still, there's beauty in the frost. We have to be a little more careful when we walk, or drive, or do anything outside, and we probably have to turn our house thermostats up a bit to accomodate the cold; it's just something we do. Before you know it, the first snow arrives...that magical, amazing, first snow. The kind that sends school children running to the windows of their classrooms so they can gaze in awe at the tumbling, blowing, first real sign of winter. And if they're lucky enough, there might be just enough snow on the ground before recess to go out and make snow angels. Even if there's not enough snow on the ground, someone will invariably still try to make a snow angel, or a mud-snow angel. An adult may very well scold such a child for getting so dirty because many adults, unlike children, have forgotten how to believe; how to see the magic in the world around them. I'm generalizing here, but I believe that adults tend to see the dangers and hazards, while children tend to see the fun and the beauty. I think that much like personal opinions and values, the truth lies somewhere in between or is a combination of both. There is magic in the world, but there are also lessons to be learned.

"To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven."

Much like very dear friends of mine, I think I realize, now, that I've had a beautiful and magical life. I've been blessed with amazing family and friends, with faith, and great love. I have definitely learned much along the way. It may sound strange, but in a very real way my cancer is a blessing. Through having it I have received the gifts of kindness, caring, and prayers from people (countless numbers that I don't even know) across the country. Just like my friends believe, I know that this is my season, and that this is my time and for this purpose. God's will be done. Blessings!

October 1, Day's End

There are 28 minutes left of today...October 1, which is my parents' 51st wedding anniversary. It was exactly one year ago today, that my dad was last in the home he shared with my mom for nearly as many years. Today was also the day that I saw my oncologist, a Dr. Baker. I learned a lot from him, including a definitive stage of my cancer: IIIC. Because my cancer is IIIC (5 year survival rate of something like 30%), my chemo treatment is going to be very aggressive and will start next Thursday, October 8. I will go every 2 weeks for chemo for 8 weeks. The day after each treatment, I need to get a shot that will increase white blood cell production by my bone marrow. I am soooo hoping that I will be able to get that shot at our local clinic rather than drive all the way back down to Duluth to get it and then drive home again. Once the initial chemo cycle is complete, "they" will decide whether or not I need to have chemo every 1, 2, or 3 weeks. I can expect to be bald by Halloween, and to be having chemo for the rest of the year and into 2010. I'm so glad I have enough hats that I can wear a different one for every day of the week :-)

Each chemo treatment, after the initial one at least, will take between 3 - 4 hours and will be administered through a port I had surgically implanted just above my left collar bone when I had my double mastectomy. The guitar pick shaped port has a catheter that is threaded into one of the veins leading to my heart in order to provide for the most effective and efficient distribution of the chemo drugs which are AC...not quite sure what they stand for, but I'll find out. Providing chemo through this port will eliminate the need to use an IV every time which is a good thing.

There's the technical stuff. Emotionally and personally...I'm kind of on one of those low parts of the roller coaster. Reality of the seriousness of this disease...my disease has set in. I try really hard to stay positive, especially for the kids, but in my heart of hearts, I sometimes worry that I won't be around to see Becca grow up, to see my girls happily married, to hold my first grandchild. It's kind of hard to push those feelings and thoughts to the back of my mind where they belong. Oddly enough, I was much better at dealing with everything that went along with learning about and dealing with my kids issues...Ben's autism and adhd, Kirstin and Becca's asthma, Kirstin's surgery, Chelsea's anxiety and autoimmune disease. It was a lot easier, I think, (and maybe I'm just seeing the past through rose colored glasses; I don't know) to live those days one at a time, or even one moment at a time that it is to deal with my own disease. I wonder why? Am I being selfish? I don't know and right now, I'm so tired, I really can't put any more effort into thinking about it. Good night, everyone, and Happy October 2...in 13 minutes. Blessings!

Good Morning October

So...maybe it's not really a "good" morning, but it's better than last night...or was that this morning? Once again, I ended up crying my eyes out...feeling guilty that I'm being such a burden to my family, being sick, causing great financial hardship (not just with my medical bills, but with getting behind on other bills). I didn't sleep much, or well. Becca wanted to be woken up at 4:00 and I promised her that I would make sure of that. I didn't fall asleep until after 3:00, and didn't wake up until 6:00. I saw Chelsea long enough to give her hugs, admire her "nerd" outfit, and tell her to have a good day; same with Kirstin and Becca. (It's Homecoming week at school, and today is Nerd Day.) I feel guilty because I know how much stress David is under, and I'm just making it worse. Logically I know there's nothing I can do about it. Logically I know I'm a lot like my mom; type A personality + worry wart. I'm the wife and mom. I'm the one who's supposed to be able to fix things. I'm not the one who's supposed to need fixing. I'm not the one who's supposed to rely on other people. I'm the one other people are supposed to be able to rely on. I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it's okay to need other people, to ask and receive help, to not have to feel that I have to be "strong." I don't know how long I cried for...seemed like hours again. But my dearest husband said some things...he said a lot of things that made me feel better, including assuming partial responsibility for some of the areas in which I feel like I've totally failed. He said that I am the glue that holds our family together (very sweet). He said, again, that we need to "fight this thing;" this rollercoaster ride was just getting started, and it was normal and expected to have bad days as well as good days.

I guess the only thing I am certain of right now, is that today is a new day and we have to take it one hour at a time, or even one second at a time. We'll get through it and move into tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what the oncologist says today. I'll post more later on that. Blessings!